I gave him a shower this afternoon.
(My three year old).
But he came home buzzed from Bible school,
told us that he graduated from kindergarten 😆
then proceeded to celebrate by sticking his head in a bowl of brownie batter, trying to lick it clean. 😂

So off to the bathroom we went just now.
Off with the clothes again,
this time for a bath.

As he is stripping down,
he hands me this necklace he made tonight.
Painted ziti noodles on plastic string,
with a “medal of heroes” on it
(Yep, that’s his Wreck it Ralph reference.)

I glance down at the message
and I start to read the verse out loud to him:

“I am fearfully…”

And he finishes for me

…”and wonderfully made!!”

I looked at my husband and smiled.

“He has no idea just HOW fearfully (and wonderfully) he was made.”

I looked back down at the bathroom floor and saw the hidden laminate crosses.

The ones I first noticed as I sank to the floor, sobbing, as I endured our multiple losses before him.

The crosses that reminded me that even when I was on the floor Jesus was there with me.

That He was holding me.
Sobbing with me.
Staying with me.
Even here.

And when I got pregnant again with C,
after four losses in a row,
and I sat on this toilet a thousand times,
and I was FEARFUL of what I might see-
{mothers of miscarriage will understand what I mean}…
He held my hand even there,
in the most vulnerable of places.

In the delivery room,
He was there.
My husband holding one hand,
My Heavenly Husband, Jesus, holding the other.
Until this wonderful little boy emerged
and the fear I had also been carrying for ten months fell out of me like afterbirth.
And I sobbed tears of joy this time,
because the promise I persevered for had finally been delivered.

——

Since then I’ve had a calling…

(I struggled finding that word-

because it’s not a job

and though it’s an honor and a privilege to repurpose my old pain into something that can be used to soothe someone else…

those words make it seem like a pleasant thing,
and there’s no pleasure in seeing others endure the same pain I went through.)

The calling has been to help others hold on,
just like He did for me.

To help the mommas pregnant after loss persevere through fear, during the forty weeks that feel like they’ll never end, waiting to receive a baby at the end.

To help the mommas on the bathroom floors, heartbroken and hurting, and not wanting to be hard hearted toward God but needing someone to tell them (from experience) that He didn’t do this. And that He is there, crying with them. Already collecting those tears and planning How he will not let them go to waste.

And for the first time I feel what a delivery nurse must feel like, getting to help deliver a life into this world. What an honor.

And for the first time I feel like what a hospice nurse must feel like, sharing in the grief by loved ones left behind as a precious and too-brief life has been delivered out of this world and straight into their eternal home. And that’s an honor too. Not because I want it to be necessary, but because it is. And it’s something that only one who has been through it can properly handle and understand.

And tonight I feel extra thankful for both:

That I get to be the momma of the messy little boy in the bathtub who made the noodle-note reminder.

And that God redeemed my mess, so I could be a truly empathetic shoulder for mommas currently crumpled on the bathroom floor.

Pointing them back to Him.

Reminding them-
That THEY are fearfully and wonderfully made.
And that their story isn’t over yet.
He didn’t write this chapter,
but He is still redeeming the messy parts.

This morning I went on a walk, and in the middle of the road I found a penny and the sun was shining on it.

It was upside-down and mangled so that you almost couldn’t recognize it was a coin anymore, but I picked it up.

For me, the value of coins and things I find on the road isn’t the monetary value, but rather it’s valuable because if I pause I know that God will use everything in my path-

even a mangled penny-

to speak to me.

And sometimes it’s for me,
and sometimes it’s for someone else.
And sometimes I know who that someone else is, and sometimes I don’t
and I just get to share and pray
that the someone who needs to see it will.

So- here is what I feel stirring in me to share:

——

This is for you who doesn’t recognize yourself anymore.

You who thinks your “image” is too messed up.

Your image of what life was supposed to look like- because what you imagined and what is in front of you are totally different.

You thought you’d have it figured out by now.

You thought you’d look different.
Or feel different.
Or that you’d have “gone places.”

Or maybe you did go places that weren’t good.
Maybe you did some things.
Maybe someone else did some things to you.
Maybe you numbed yourself with some things.
Maybe you went chasing after all the wrong things.

And now you wonder if you’re totally worthless.
You sure feel like it some days.

When I picked up this penny my first thought today was “still spends the same”. As in I could still take it to the store and redeem it (with several others of course) for something of value. A soda maybe. A bottle of water. Something to quench my thirst.

Which is strange for me because sometimes I discount the value of a penny. Even a brand new shiny one. I normally toss it aside and never redeem it, actually. And I only account for how many dollars I have to spend when I think of the things I need at the store.

Pennies have always been relatively “worthless” in my lifetime, and now that inflation is high – their worth seems to be discounted substantially more.

But they have great value in the sense that because society doesn’t value them so much, it’s very common to find them on the ground.

And because even though our government isn’t currently embodying the “In God We Trust” and people are mangling the purpose of the “Liberty” messages that are printed on the penny- they’re still there.

The message is still valid.

And it’s EVERYWHERE.

I could probably find a loose penny every single day if I looked!

I could probably find a penny in even the poorest homes in America, in the pocket of the people with the very least here.

Which means we ALL have an opportunity to see and hear this message, that we CAN choose to place our trust in God, and we CAN have liberty- whether we have a million dollars in the bank or we have zero cents and are desperately searching for change on the road.

How ironic it is that when our bank accounts are full we often don’t even see cash anymore, and especially not coins. We use digital transactions.

And we toss our change aside as if we don’t need it.

Which is ok because someone else probably does.

But we don’t realize that when we have plenty we DO, DESPERATELY need to remember that our plenty here on Earth is not enough.

We need something more.

Money doesn’t bring true security.

It can’t be taken with us after our life here on Earth.

And it has no value with God.

We can’t redeem money for a place in heaven- no matter how much of it we accumulate.

He doesn’t want our money. He wants our hearts!

That’s what He sees infinite, priceless value in.

Which is great because even when there’s inflation or the world is going crazy
and there’s a shortage of stuff
and a shortage of bodies to work,
and ”one little heart”,
one person
doesn’t seem to make much of a difference- doesn’t seem to be worth much because it feels like we need so many to make an impact…

He says that one is VALUABLE!
Priceless treasure!
One cent (one person coming to their senses)
is something!
It’s everything!

He died for all the “ones”!

He redeems us one by one!

He trades each of our little ”penny” selves in for the fortune beyond a lifetime! Eternal life with Him!

And sometimes when we think we are worth a fortune (when we “know our worth and add tax”)…because we think we have it all together, or our education or our resume or our bank account or our list of volunteer commitments or experience or talents tells us we are are worth more than a cent, and tells us to go where someone recognizes our value— we are misled.

The danger in over-valuing oueselves is that we under-value Him.

We replace grace with grind.

And so we no longer rest on faith, we rest in our own skills, possessions, or good works.

And when we feel we have earned something, or that it’s a “more even” trade- that thing becomes less of a gift.

Salvation feels like less of a gift.

So we walk right out of the grace that saves,
While thinking we are still secured with Him because of our own value.

Don’t we see?

A million dollars and a penny are all meaningless to Him.

He doesn’t value us the way we do.

He doesn’t value us in terms of the world or in terms of ourselves.

He values us each in terms of His Son.

He is willing to trade each one of us-
for HIS currency-
whether our sin is drug addiction or porn or murder or robbery or selfishness or envy or pride…

His currency is the soul.

Trade your penny for Jesus, “poor” ones
and get your soul-
Give him the little you have,
The nothingness you have
and you’ll find He gives you SO MUCH in return!
So much beyond money!
Satisfaction in your soul like no drug or dollar could ever provide!
He will INFINITELY quench your thirst!

Trade your fortune, “rich” ones
and get your soul –
Give him your everything-
Let Him have access to your money
But beyond that to your time,
Your talents,
Your schedule…
Give it ALL to Him and watch what He will do!
He will trade you and you’ll find what He has is everything you were ever looking for that money never could buy for you.
He will quench your INFINITE thirst!

As I was sitting here writing this, I looked down and saw a shadow of the coin on my leg and I chuckled as He pointed one more thing out.

“See the shadow, Daylene?”

“See the circle made when the sun shines down over that penny and onto your leg?”

“Can you tell from looking at the shadow if that penny is perfect and shiny or ’messed up’?”

“No, you can’t.”

“In the glory of my light it doesn’t matter what you look like to the world. I love you ALL infinitely. You each have a crazy amount of worth to me! And it has nothing to do with what you have or who you think you are or aren’t. I love because I AM love. And that’s how my love can be unconditional.”

Colossians 2:17
These are a shadow of the things that were to come; the reality, however, is found in Christ.

So I have to be honest. As I drove home from my son’s practice last night, and caught a glimpse of the latest jump on the gas station sign, it felt like a gut-punch. I knew it was coming, and it’s been uncomfortable already, but it still doesn’t take away the impact of the next blow.

I go home and check the mail to find our homeowners insurance has gone up significantly, with no explanation, other than everything – EVERYTHING- seems to be going up.

My mind immediately started trying to figure things out. Can I squeeze in any more side gigs? Do I need to try to take on a night-job, when my hubby would be home with the kids? How would that affect our family life? How would it affect the time we are able to give areas of ministry that we are involved in?

The longer I pondered it, the more peace-lacking I became.

“I don’t know!” I finally admitted to myself.

I don’t know how to make ends meet.

And if things go up again, I don’t know how that gap will be bridged either. There’s only so much time in a day!

I DON’T know how He will make a way…
BUT I know that He will.

And how do I know?

He’s the God who parted the waters in Egypt when the armies were closing in on His people!

He’s the God who stretched a widow’s “last meal” into enough to feed her and her son AND a prophet for an extended period of time!

He’s the God who fed thousands of people with just a few fish and loaves! More than once!

He’s the God who delivered on His promise to give us babies- more than once- even when it seemed impossible!

He’s the God who has always made ends meet for us-

bringing up “random” opportunities to work (that work around our higher priorities) in ways that we never saw coming…

helping me come across deals on needed items, or even the blessings of hand-me-down clothes for Callen…

even in a pinch causing us to receive refunds in the mail that made no sense at all, that we’d be getting them.

Beyond finances, He is the God who has gotten us mentally, spiritually, through so many messy feelings and situations. He ALWAYS comes through!

So- I don’t know how He will make a way for us to get through this mess of an economic time.

If I did, no faith would be required.

My feelings don’t like to have to rely on faith.

I like it a whole lot better when I think I CAN see how it will all work out.

But- alas- God is more concerned with our growth in faith than our feelings. Yet even then, when we come to Him- He comforts us in those.

This quote from a Billy Graham book I am reading really jumped out to me today. So I thought I’d share in case anyone else is feeling gut-punched by the gas prices (along with the impact of everything else going on in our tumultuous world: the wars, the violence, the social immorality, just everything)!

We can turn punches 🤜🏻 into fist-bumps, by adding a “BUT” at the end.

This world is crazy.

Politics are crazy.

Prices are crazy.

The pressure is intense.

BUT- God isn’t done. Or gone.

BUT- this world isn’t our home.

BUT- Great things are ahead, when we are walking towards Him. And even if we don’t see them in this life, we will see them in the one to come!

Adulting is hard- maybe even impossible right now, without Him.

BUT- WITH HIM- we got this.

“We” meaning Him.

I don’t “got” anything.

But He’s got me and that’s enough to keep me from going totally crazy!

And He’s got you too.

So – no matter how high the tension gets- let’s turn our eyes HIGHER— up, and back onto Him.

I did a thing today! And it may not seem like a huge deal but it really was to me!

I ran a mile. ❤️
(For the first time in a year, since I tried to run and messed up my back really bad.)

I probably could have gotten back to running 9 months ago, to be honest. The chiropractor has done wonders for my back! But I was afraid I guess. I had such a mental block.

So this is what happened.

I was praying today and just listening to God about some things he’s been talking to me about- regarding getting strengthened.

And I felt like He told me TODAY was the day to get freed from the mental battle over this.

So I started with a one-mile walk because my husband and I had talked about that- starting with faster walks and then jogging after I’m used to that.

But the walk felt so good and I felt so full from prayer that then I decided to jog from full! So cool! I’ve learned to do a lot of things from fullness in Him over the past year, but I hadn’t thought to apply it to exercise and weight loss.

So usually when I jog I battle my mind big time. “When can I stop?
How far to go?
You can’t do this.
Why did you let yourself get so out of shape?
This is pointless.
You’d have to do this a thousand times
to lose a few pounds.”

Things like that.

But this time I had already pre-connected with Him (like Bluetooth headphones) so my thoughts were different. I could hear him coaching me!

“You can do all things with me, Daylene.

Don’t focus on your body.
Focus on me in your spirit!

We are still visiting and having quiet time together, we are just moving like we do when you straighten the house and pray at the same time.

Except now it’s just jogging instead.

Just like cleaning you can forget what your body is doing as you focus on me.

I am going to take the weight off you in this way.

You will be a part of it yes, but you don’t have to muster up the willpower.

If you bring the WILL — if you WILL show up for that time with me— I will bring the POWER, Daylene!”

🏃🏻‍♀️ 🏃‍♂️ WOW is that so much lighter!!!!

And then He said willpower is making your mind stronger and more stubborn than your body.

But that’s hard.
And it’s ok to admit that’s too hard for me to do.

Instead, I can submit both my mind and my body to Him. Admit I need help because I can’t do it on my own. And ask Him to do it with me. To help me focus on Him so much that I don’t focus on my heavy muscles or lungs, and I also don’t focus on battling thoughts in my mind. Because my mind is PRE-occupied with Him!

How cool is that?!

His way is so much higher than ours!

And after that first mile was over, I called my husband excited about being freed, and then guess what? I was still so overflowing with gratitude to God and energy about the whole thing that I went and did it again! I ran a second mile this morning with Him!

And tomorrow I get to do it all over again!

Have you ever felt like your world was falling apart and blamed God for it?

I have.

I can remember our last miscarriage, the last of our five losses. I was SURE I had heard Him tell me to try again for that baby, and I had put my heart on the line. And there I was again- broken-hearted in the ultrasound room, hearing the words “There is no heartbeat.” 💔 Four words I heard five times, that crushed me. Crushed our family.

That last time was by far the WORST because I had been following God. I had been trying my best to be a good Christian. And to have faith. And I didn’t understand. Actually- I tried to go further into faith and believe that God could and would resurrect my dead baby in my womb. I refused a D&C. I contacted all of my faith-warrior friends, and I told them my crazy-faith resurrection prayer, asking them to agree with me, combine their prayers with mine. And I went to that appointment, expecting to see my miracle and I didn’t get it that day. Not only wasn’t there a heartbeat, but my body had already begun the natural process of breaking down the remains.

I remember sitting in my car, all alone and ANGRY. REALLY REALLY ANGRY. I had done everything right this time, I thought. I had decided that if He wanted me to have another baby I would have one- I would allow myself to get my hopes up again. I had declared in faith despite my fears and doubts. I had dug in and held right to those faith declarations even when it looked like- and really was-over. And yet it looked like He hadn’t shown up for me. And I was PISSED. It didn’t make sense. If He was a good God, how could He let this happen again? And How could I keep telling people He is a good God- How could I encourage anyone else- if it appeared in my own life, that my faith was foolish and that there were no results? I asked Him all these things. More like yelled them at Him, cried them at Him hysterically as I beat my steering wheel over and over until my hands were numb. Not sure how I was going to drive home and tell my husband and our kids- again.

And He didn’t get mad at me. He sat there and absorbed all my anger into Himself. I could feel His presence. Like a child having an “it’s not fair” fit but also being held by their parent, quieted, stilled, understood, empathized with.

And then He spoke four more words, over those four heartbreaking ones I had just heard.

“IT’S NOT OVER YET.”

“What do you mean, God? I don’t understand! How can you say it’s not over? The baby is literally GONE from my womb. Nothing left. That promise you made- what happened? Where do I even go from here?”

But I heard nothing else.
I only felt that He was still there.

Him being there didn’t change the fact that I had to go through grief.

That journey is heart-wrenching, even with Him.

He doesn’t say that we won’t go through hard things in this sin-polluted, environmentally-impure, crazy, temporal world.

In fact, He warns us that we will.
In hopes that, when we do, we won’t run from Him and blame Him as if He allowed us to be blind sighted by not telling us in advance that bad things may happen.

And He promises us, that if we will cling to Him-
If we will raise Him up in our hearts, hold onto Him, lean into Him in the hard times instead of throwing Him out of our hearts, pushing him away, or pulling away because we are mad and it’s not fair- He will heal our hearts, in the end. He Himself will go ahead of us and personally lead us through ALL the hard parts of this life, as well as the good ones (those too, are better with a friend), and into our eternal, perfect lives in Heaven when our earthly chapter is over.

—

“After I am raised up, I will go ahead of you, leading the way…”

Years later, I can finally look back – without the freshness of those losses, and with the fullness of heart He has given me – and share my testimony without shedding painful tears.

Our rainbow baby did arrive, as promised, after another season of waiting.

After I raised Him up and truly decided in my heart that whether He blessed me with one or not – and knowing He had already blessed me with the two I had, along with all the other blessings in my life – I was living life for HIM, finding my highest joy in life from HIM, and neither a yes nor a no was going to change that.

Looking back I can see He was allowing me to learn- that my works couldn’t save me, even trying to work up my faith in Him and to believe for the impossible. That faith helped me continue on instead of resigning, yes, but even that was a gift from Him. Miracles come from Him. Comfort comes from Him. Joy comes from Him. Even the ability to have faith itself comes from Him and is found when we kneel in front of Him in thanks-giving and praise. I get to spend my life enjoying being a wife and mother and all the other roles I’m in, but my identity – my highest joy – my deepest security – is in Him. And without that, even if I had gotten my miracle but didn’t learn that important eternal Truth, personally, I wouldn’t be as joyful in my life as I am today. I’d take all my blessings for granted. Or I’d obsess fearfully about how I’d feel if I ever lost them.

Looking back, I can see how from the moment I raised Him up to that number one place in my heart, and laid all of my broken pieces before him, feeling dead, defeated, and just done- asking Him to take it over because I just couldn’t anymore…He did. He went right to work, planning and putting pieces into place, and more importantly- speaking to me and putting my heart back together in Him.

He went ahead of me and led the way through my whole pregnancy after loss.

He did the same when I came to the end of myself and raised Him up in my work and in my marriage. He goes ahead of us, leading the way.

And He still goes before me, everyday.
He asks that I share that and not just keep it to myself. Which I couldn’t anyway. He’s too good not to share!

So that’s what I’m doing today.
I’m putting this out there again.
I’m pausing from enjoying the moments with the now-three-year-old miracle, to pass on these words that someone else needs to hear:

They’re out of the original context, in Mark 14:27-28. But they’re true to His character. And He tends to use Words to teach things that SO MUCH MORE than just for that moment.

When you feel like your world is falling apart and that it’s His fault- remember to raise Him up in your heart – so He can comfort you, show you the real Truth, who the real enemy is, why bad things happen in this world, how it breaks His heart too, how it broke His heart so much that He sent His son to go ahead of us in death and pave our way to eternal life where the enemy will NOT be present and we will never have to go through these things again.

My heart hurts for everyone who is hurting right now.

There are so many hard things going on in this world.

I can feel His love for you.

I can feel His pain for you- not only what you’re going through, which He grieves more than you can imagine…

but also the pain of a parent whose children blame Him and run from Him and think He’s stood by and done nothing…

not realizing that it’s not His fault,
and that He’s given EVERYTHING to make it better,
but that takes time – and listening – and leaning in – to understand

which is why the enemy is working so hard not just to hurt you because he likes inflicting pain, but he also likes to bury you in busy, make you shut your eyes and ears off to God in anger and run away from Him- because he knows, as much as that first hurt killed you and torments you, whatever it was- shutting God out is what leads to the second and final, eternal torment and death.

Don’t let the enemy – the devil- continue to abuse you. ⚔️ Open the Bible- the letter from the One you think is to blame. You’ll find for yourself that He isn’t. And you’ll find LIFE and abundant healing in learning, really taking to heart, how He’s given His whole life for you. How – even when the enemy tries to hurt you and mess up God’s plans for you (the devils’s goals are to steal kill and destroy) – God keeps working to give back, heal, and mend. And that restoration work will be completed one day in Heaven, if you’ll just stick with Him. Which is not a passive thing, it’s very active. (We as believers even do better with a tribe of people helping us to keep holding on to Him. So find a Jesus-loving tribe and hold on tight to Him together!)

It is vital.
Keep holding on. Help people keep holding on.
Things may look bad in this world- but-
IT’S NOT OVER YET. ❤️

I heard my toddler fussing.
“Oh no! I knocked down your picture. I fix it.”

I come in to find that he has probably jumped and made this sign fall off my wall, but he was doing his best to put it back.

“I’m very sorry I broke it…” he said. (His vocabulary is getting very good. It’s super adorable!)

So I told him it was ok, that he didn’t break it. He just knocked it down, but I could fix it no problem. What was impossible for him was easy for me. Not even a sweat.

Check out the verse on my sign.

I feel like someone out there today reading this may be saying “I’m so sorry, God. I messed up your plans for my life! I’m trying to fix it.”

And I feel like He wants you to hear this today:

“You don’t need to fix it. Let me.
It’s not about trying it’s about trusting.
Just come to me, and keep coming to me.
My plans for you aren’t ruined.
They’re a little more robust than that.
Don’t miss a beat.
Your future is in tact.
And I got your back.
Now get up and shine, son.”😉
Or daughter. ☀️
{Depending on who is reading this.}

Once you begin to hear God’s voice,

you hear it EVERYWHERE.

Once He opens your eyes to see His goodness,

there’s not much you can’t see at least glimpses of it in.

{Some things are obviously more glorious than others, but God is always there, even in the hard stuff.}

But a funny thing has been happening to me lately, and after about the fourth or fifth time, I decided to give this phenomenon a name:

God’s “Trash Talk”

Now- I will start by saying, for those who would just glance at the title and assume I mean that God talks “smack.” Yeah- I’m not talking about that.

Here’s what I’m talking about:

How God can use ANYTHING & EVERYTHING to speak to us.

Even trash.

That’s right.

Actual garbage, like from a garbage can.

Or- garbage on the road that should have been in a can.

My realization that God can use trash to speak to us, intentionally, happened a year or two ago when I really needed to hear from God about something.

Actually it wasn’t about a THING,

it was about a feeling.

A feeling of discouragement I was sensing that didn’t make sense at all.

I had read through the Bible searching for an answer, but sometimes we need more than that. Sometimes we need the Spirit to examine our spirit and tells us what’s off. And sometimes He highlights our issue in the Bible, but we can’t limit God’s ability to speak to only that book.

(We CAN and should, though, understand that His isn’t the only voice that tries to speak to us, and so we must hold what we hear up to the Bible and what we know from it to be His character, so that we are not deceived or led astray, and we don’t fall prey to today’s mixed-messages.)

But anyway- that particular day, I decided to take a prayer walk, and as I was persisting in my asking Him for clarity- like the Bible tells us to- I caught a glimpse of some trash on the side of the road, right in front of me.

Now, normally we take specific walks for picking up trash on our road, and we are gloved-up for such occasions, and if we aren’t we don’t pick it up, we go back for it later.

But on this day, for whatever reason, I bend down, ungloved, to examine it closer.

What was it?

It was a page out of a burnt book.

Why would someone burn a book?!

I have no idea.

Plenty of lending libraries to give them to.

That probably would have been a better thing to do with it, especially since it was a faith book.

How did I know it was a faith book?

The page must’ve blown away before the fire had finished consuming it, and it had left the bottom intact- with the title there.

Here’s the more shocking part.

The part that still makes me smile,

Just thinking on it again:

The burnt-edges framed a paragraph, and that paragraph answered the exact question I had been asking God about!!!

Isn’t He INCREDIBLE?!

Had they donated that book to a cabinet I may or may not have found it, been led to it, got to that page…I’m not saying it’s impossible. Or He may have spoke another way to me. He’s got so many creative tools in His bag!

BUT everything- anything- even a blown-away, half-burnt page from who knows where- can be used by Him to provide for us.

It doesn’t get much more personal than that!

(Ok, He does! He has! But how cool is that?!)

Since then, I always closely examine trash as I pick it up.

—

Once I found a toy fish 🎣 and He whispered to me :

Keep this as a reminder, that it’s more valuable to teach someone to fish than to just feed them the fish…

and more important than teaching your kids to fish like the world does – seeking after money and pursuing happiness…it’s WAY more valuable to teach them how to fish for Jesus when they feel those needs.

How to go to Him for JOY

which is better than happiness,

and for His type of security

which is infinitely more secure than money’s.

And then to teach them how to be fishers of men- not for what they can get out of it

like direct sales once taught me-

but for how they can give little “bites”

of His goodness to them-

whether or not they don’t know him yet

or they do.

Even when we know him, aren’t the gestures He sends through people still wonderful?!

—

Sometimes I find kids’ drawings, and I pray for the children who drew them, and their family. Their generation. I pray how I’m able-in a general way- because of course I don’t know who they are. But we all have the same basic needs, don’t we?

—

Recently I found a note, clearly a spouse had written to their partner-

“Put $50 for gas on this credit card and the rest on this one”.

Ouch. I can relate to being tight.

Some seasons have been better than others.

We are all blessed to live in America.

To have food and gas and shelter.

But that doesn’t negate the fact that it can be hard and naturally stressful when the economy is a wreck and dollars don’t go as far.

So I prayed for the writer of that note.

And for everyone feeling the strain.

And I thanked Him -again-

like I have to do to get myself in the right mindset EVERY time I get gas or go to the grocery store and see that tab add up.

I thank Him that He provides, and that He frees us mentally to be able to find peace in Him- so we don’t have to live with “paycheck to paycheck” mentality, stressed. We can live, gratefully aware of how we are blessed: “Provision to Provision.”

—-

This morning, I looked outside and saw birds pecking at our garbage can that I had put by the curb because it’s trash day.

Had I not already been dwelling in gratitude with God for hours while doing chores, I’d have been SUPER grumbly- to have to pick up that garbage they knocked onto the ground. But I felt super peaceful, and just proceeded to do what needed to be done.

As I picked up and examined what they “chose” to pull out, I laughed.

A diaper that I had bagged up and took straight out because it stunk. Eew. 💩

A snack-bag, removed from my car and tossed because it had contained apple slices and goldfish crackers that got left in the hot sun, baking under my seat for a few days before I knew it. And cleaning my car out yesterday, I’d found it.

And a Sunday-school paper, brought home by the sweet boy also responsible for the stinky diaper and the ditched snack.

A paper that I normally wouldn’t have thrown away right away (because I love his papers and rotate them out on our bulletin board)…

But also, it was a paper that — to be honest— I would not have c.l.o.s.e.l.y inspected. Because we get one each Sunday. And “I’ve heard all those stories a thousand times”, right?

But as I picked up this paper,

On THIS particular day,

it contained something that guided a prayer for a friend who had just reached out.

A perfect word for her.

How divine is that?!

Wow!

I can’t get over Him!

Even God’s “trash talk” is the best!!

Being a toddler mom is not new to me,
I have a fourteen year old and an eleven year old.

But – even though I identified as a Christian- I didn’t have a relationship with God when my others were this age.

And so I’m finding that the toddler stage- just like everything else- is SO RICH in opportunities to hear from Him about life and how it works!

I love it!

So the other day, little guy was double-fisting his toy water guns in the car (totally empty of course, I’m not crazy enough to let him have water in there 😉.)

Anyway, it was time to get out of the car to go play in the backyard, and actually fill them up with water which is what he was REALLY wanting to do.

So- I go to unbuckle him and pull him out of his seat, but in order to get his arms out, I have to take the squirt gun out of his hand for a moment.

Just a moment.
NOT forever.
And not because I didn’t want him to have it, even.
Just because the only way to get him out and on to where he wanted to go- was to do this.

And as I’m trying to explain this to my boy-
who is gripping those guns so tightly
that his knuckles are turning white,
and his face is turning red in frustration-
he is protesting loudly!

“It’s MINE! Don’t take it from me!
You can’t have it, it’s MINE mommy!”

But I do take them-
one at a time,
and not to be mean.

I take them, and I give them back.
And then I take him to the backyard
and I fill them up
and then he is filled up with smiles
as he sees I wasn’t trying to take anything away-
I was only helping him. ❤️

I smile, seeing him finally figure that out,
and because I’m a little proud of myself,
to be honest,
for not having lost my own patience
during his little meltdown.
{As I have done before on occasion, especially my first go-round of mothering, having a mommy meltdown alongside my kids.}

And as I smile,
God says to me- lightheartedly-

“YOU see now too, don’t you?

I’m so glad you finally get it.

That I wasn’t just taking things away from you-
Your career-
Dreams of using your gifts-
None of it.

It’s just that I couldn’t get you where you were wanting to go, until you let go.

You were strapped in, (to some wrong mindsets),
and I had to undo some straps
before you could get out.

And now you are free-
You’re free to use the gifts I’ve given you.

You’re no longer in the inappropriate place to REALLY use them
(“the car” – which for you,
was a wrong vision of what a CAReer is all about.)

Now I’ve filled you with the LIVING water,
and you’re free to go around spraying that everywhere!
(It’s even BETTER than spreading glitter wherever you go! ✨)

(Just don’t shoot anyone in the face with it,
people don’t tend to like that. 😉
Give them a drink.
Water their flowers.
Encourage them with the word
and do life with people,
don’t just preach at them.
That’s the appropriate way to use my “guns.”)

And- know better of me next time-
trust me more-
like your son will learn next time
to let go more readily,
because he knows what follows.
He knows you’ll give them back,
along with his freedom,
just like you did before.

MY plans for you are good.
Even if it feels Iike-for a moment-
My methods put your plans on hold.” 😘

Last week, I had a frazzled moment.

Despite my best planning, the groceries were gone and the day had passed quickly and the kids were getting hangry- so I took them to Burger King for a cheeseburger 🍔. {My littlest guy’s FAVORITE!}

As I am trying to order our lunch, little guy rolls down his window and also attempts to open up his door, so he can talk to the person in the speaker, say hello, and order his own food. Except he was doing so so loudly that they couldn’t hear me ordering, and the line behind us was quickly growing, which as I noticed this made me grow more impatient with him.

We pull up to pay and I roll down his window for him, because it does usually make people’s day in the drive-thru when a toddler with a giant smile tells them hello!

And it did. The guy at the window grinned ear to ear. And then he told me to wait a minute. {A minute turned into three, four.} Finally he came back. With three Burger King crowns. One for my son and one for my nephew who was also in the backseat. A third for my daughter who is way too old for a crown but it makes her smile, even if a bit baffled, that he thought of her too. 🙂

I smile too because it was super thoughtful, and I go to reach for them, as I also feel eyes from the truck behind me glaring and my imagination tells me they’re probably muttering for me to hurry up already.

But the man insists on assembling the crowns for us, guesstimating the boys’ sizes, telling them what great kings they will be that day!

And in that moment I realize that my soul needs some work.

That I need to learn to hold on to my peace and our new-to-us easygoing pace, even when I feel pressured to pick up the speed- {because much of the world likes to keep things moving fast.}

I almost rushed this moment not because it wasn’t precious but because I imagined that other people were running out of patience with us for it.

Whether that was true or not I never will know.

But what I do know is that we found a rare treasure of an example that day, in the older gentleman at that drive-thru window.

An example of how, even when the pressure to perform at lightning speed is present…we can choose to pause the cry of “urgent” for a moment, and embrace important- for a minute. Or three or four, at least. 😉

Sometimes that’s all it takes.

Just a few minutes.

To remind someone else of what really matters.

To show them THEY matter.

What King-like kindness and love that is! ❤️

And how divine that we found it in a most unexpected place!

What Does The Holy Spirit Feel Like?

I have sensed His presence so much lately and as I was basking in it today I did my best to put it into words. {Though words always fall short.}

But I want everyone to know Him.
Not just Father,
Not just Son,
But Holy Spirit also.

God is Trinity,
Three-in-One,
yet with very different roles.

For a long time I paused in my sharing about Him, because I was insecure.

I am not a theologian.

I don’t know Hebrew or Greek
or the nuances between all the present words and all the original texts of the Bible.

I don’t have huge chunks of scripture memorized.

I still count on my Bible and the Spirit to guide me, and I still call upon leaders who are further along in their faith journeys to pray alongside me and help me clarify when any confusion comes up and I want to make sure I didn’t hear wrong.

Some days when God nudges me to share something I resist.

I give Him excuses
like “They have heard that before.”

Or “So and so says it so much better.”

Or “This is something your Spirit prompted in me, it’s not talked about in the Bible {though it does align with Biblical Truth and what others have testified and what I have experienced over many years of walking with you}…but I’m afraid that some may pick it apart and call me a false prophet.”

And then He reminds me-
that no matter how many times we have heard something, sometimes we all need another encouraging reminder. {Lol. The irony that He was giving this to me as He was telling me to give it to others wasn’t lost on me.}

He reminds me that-
All the books in the world couldn’t begin to describe His awesomeness, but the testimonies burn holes on our insides if we don’t try! 🔥 They’re too good to keep in! They’ve gotta go somewhere!

He reminds me that-
I’m not claiming to be a prophet. I’m not claiming to be a theological expert. I’m not trying to be anything I’m not. I literally just like the song- am just a nobody, trying to tell everybody, all about the Somebody who saved {and keeps saving} my soul. 🎶

So- here goes- let me tell you about Him.
Just a glimpse of the Holy Spirit part.
Just a facet of His indescribable-as-a-whole
personality.
In my own words.

He is PRESENT.

PALPABLE.

You can FEEL HIM.

Do you know that feeling when your eyes are closed and you’re sitting alone in a room, and someone else joins you, and you know it?

And without even opening your eyes you may even be able to distinguish which family member of yours it is.

Or if you’re in a public place you can sense if a stranger has joined you in the space, and maybe even sense a vibe they are giving off…

I can sense Him like this.

Many people can.

He wants you to be able to as well.

Family.

He feels like family.

In the VERY BEST SENSE of that word.
{Or if you don’t have a good experience with family, imagine what you wished they would have felt like. This is Him.}

Holy Spirit helps as our Comforter.
Our Guide.
The Communicator.
The Connector.

God is Heavenly Father.

The Church is the Bride of Christ,
so Jesus- I have learned to relate to as my Heavenly Husband.

Faith isn’t about feelings — that is true,
But one thing I feel like many churches neglect sharing is that FEELINGS VERY OFTEN
{but not always} FOLLOW FAITH.

The Holy Spirit helps us FEEL
Full-Filled.
God says that we have all we need in Him,
which is great,
I put faith in this.
{And some days it takes more faith to believe this than others!}
But Holy Spirit- when I ask Him to-
helps me FEEL IT.

Holy Spirit helps us feel God’s Fatherly {Perfect Parental} love.

This can help us at times when we need our parents and they can’t be there. For instance, sometimes I still need my Dad or my Grandpa, but they are in Heaven. When I really need that sense of Dad-love, I’ve learned I can just ask. And I don’t know how to describe how He does it, but He fills me. Like a warm hug. I can sense Him there.

This kind of love, where you can come to Him like a child climbs up on their parent’s lap and just melts…

The kind of rest that feels childlike and just trusts that Dad’s got it…

Like- He’s in the driver seat,
so I’m not afraid of traffic.

Like- He’s got the finances covered
so I’m not afraid of lack….

Even when I quite literally AM in the driver’s seat and anxious,

or AM responsible for our family’s finances and wonder how ends are going to meet and I feel nervous about that…

He comes in when I ask Him to be with me in it,

And I feel an inexplicable peace,

that even if my involvement is necessary,
even if I do have to drive
on a four-Lane highway,
or even if I do have to do a job,

HE is with me and helping me

and I’m not going through it alone.

“Adulting” is hard, but mainly because we believe we have to carry the weight of our entire families on our shoulders.

And we don’t. We aren’t alone.
It’s not all on us.

It feels like it,
until we realize He’s got US in His hands.

Our Heavenly Dad’s got us.
What a weight that lifts!

————
Holy Spirit also helps us feel Jesus’s husbandly {Perfect Partner} love.

I’ve seen this help in so many ways.

In my own life, when I got pregnant with our last baby after five losses, I felt a tremendous amount of anxiety and fear.

Every time I would go to the bathroom.

Every time I got ready for an ultrasound or appointment.

Every time I felt a pain in my stomach, which inevitably happens as your belly stretches to be able to accommodate the growing baby.

If you’ve experienced miscarriage, you know what I mean.

I wasn’t able to call my human husband at work every time it was time for a bathroom break, for comfort.

He wasn’t able to take a day off for every single appointment, which because of my high-risk was every two weeks and required four hours drive time back and forth.

He wasn’t able to talk me down every single time I felt panicked. I’m sure there were times he was freaking out inside too. We are both human.

One day I heard the Holy Spirit tell me to call upon Jesus instead. To ask Holy Spirit to help me feel Him with me.

He said – and I’ll never forget-

“One husband got you pregnant, and the other Husband, your Heavenly Husband, will keep you that way. We will walk you through all your fears. Just like we walked you through your grief.”

That was the first time I ever related to Jesus as a husband-figure.

But since then, it’s come in handy so much.

It’s taken the pressure off of my marriage to Brett, because sometimes I’ll be honest- I can be needy.

Sometimes as a stay at home mom, I NEED to talk to a grown-up. And sometimes when my husband gets home he is wiped and he listens his best but his capacity is limited.

When I converse with Jesus, through the Holy Spirit, it relieves my need to get some things off my chest and then I can share the “abbreviated / pre-processed version” with my husband when he comes home.

My husband is my best friend and I talk to him about everything. But there are times when our differences as woman and man create conflict and since I don’t like venting to someone else about it, having the Holy Spirit so I can talk to Jesus about it AND get sound Biblical guidance has been a game-changer for our marriage!

And also- as a girl with the top love language of words and gifts- whose husband’s love languages are NOT words and gifts, Holy Spirit helps with this too. He prompts my own spirit to see the gifts in the things my husband does do for me, and He fills me up with encouraging words of His own. He calls me beautiful, chosen, beloved. He shows me my husband feels this way about me even if he forgets to say it sometimes. And because I’m secured in Jesus’s love, I’m not so needy from my human husband- so I probably do act more lovely most of the time to him, than I used to when I depended on him to be the one to fill me up. He also helps me speak my husband’s love language, and my kids’, better- because on my own it’s not natural.

I’ve also seen women who have lost their husbands- because of death, divorce, whatever the reason. It’s a void that’s hard to imagine. And certainly it’s not easy. But I’ve seen them cope and receive love, comfort, courage, peace, opportunities for provision, and all they need, day by day, by relying on Him.

——

Learning to depend on Him takes so much pressure off our human relationships-
whether parents
or spouses
or children
or friends
or pastors.

NOBODY can full-fill us {fill us to fullness} like He can.

Expecting them to squeezes the life out of our relationships.

Expecting ourselves not to need full-filling-
Trying to be ok without it,
Or resigning ourselves to do without it
from anyone {including Him}
squeezes the life out of us.

Thankfully we have a God- Father, Son, and Holy Spirit- who can resurrect lifeless things!

As soon as we let go of these expectations
we have of people
and of ourselves
and place our needs in His hands,
and ask Him to help us feel Him
we can begin to feel life flow back into us again!

And that’s why I share these things like I do.
Not because I claim to know it all.
Nobody knows everything about God-
He is too infinite for our finite brains to imagine!

But because I do know Him,
personally,
thanks to Holy Spirit!

And even growing up in church
I never really understood
that that was an option this side of heaven,
or what it might look like.

And I just want to help others come to know Him too!

Because life is heavy.
But having a friend-
a Father-
A Partner-
Especially the One
In Heavenly Places-
Lightens the load!

——

“Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.””
‭‭Matthew‬ ‭11:28-30‬ ‭MSG‬‬

“I still have many things to tell you, but you can’t handle them now. But when the Friend comes, the Spirit of the Truth, he will take you by the hand and guide you into all the truth there is. He won’t draw attention to himself, but will make sense out of what is about to happen and, indeed, out of all that I have done and said. He will honor me; he will take from me and deliver it to you. Everything the Father has is also mine. That is why I’ve said, ‘He takes from me and delivers to you.’”
‭‭John‬ ‭16:12-15‬ ‭MSG‬‬