The last two weeks we have opened up the sanctuary in our church to offer time just to soak in God’s presence.

I know I can hear from Him at home but there’s just something wonderful about reserving that time and place, preparing and showing up ready to hear from Him, and 𝓀𝓃ℴ𝓌𝒾𝓃ℊ that He will show up too, and speak to me…

Since these nights were originally going to happen in my living room, and since I also imagine that I’m standing on Holy Ground… I have “made myself at home” this week and last, by removing my shoes and walking around, kneeling at the altar, and pacing the floors, sock and feet.

Walking out of the sanctuary for a moment to refill my coffee, I suddenly felt an old emotion wash over me. Like being a college kid still “at home” in their parents’ home.

I walked back into the now-empty sanctuary and sat back down in the rows, not ready to leave yet.

“Lay down” I heard.

“Lose ALL the formalities and let yourself be even more at home with me- even outside your home. I want to show you something.”

So- I laid down across the row of chairs.
It was certainly the first time it ever occurred to me to do that before!

At first it felt… unnatural.

So I closed my eyes.
(Zoomed into my “inner home” where I’m always comfortable with Him.)

Focused on the music.

Let myself get comfortable.

When I opened my eyes, I saw a fan.

I don’t know if I’ve ever paid attention to the fact that there was a ceiling fan in our sanctuary, truth be told.

But in this moment it made it seem even more like a living room.

I was taken back to my freshman year of college, with so many pressures on me throughout the week:

School work that seemed beyond my own comprehension.

A wedding to plan.

A future to build.

The weight of my hopes and dreams and of my world on my shoulders, or so it felt like.

But some weekends, I would simply drive home, toss off my shoes, and sink into the old familiar couch in my parents’ living room.

Fall deep asleep, as if I’d tossed my backpack of worries down and for just a little while, I could take a break from carrying them.

In this moment, in the sanctuary, this is exactly what it felt like too.

(Admittedly, I can go too long sometimes…

carrying it all, worrying about it all,

wondering if I’m doing my work right…
my wifing & mothering work,
the homemaking & homeschooling,
the ministry work & the other odd jobs,

wondering what the future will hold…)

Sometimes I think I even forget to breathe,
until He reminds me.

Sometimes I forget that I’m not supposed to be carrying these things FOR Him, but TO Him and WITH Him.

Sometimes I forget to take a moment to simply be carried BY Him, and held by Him.

As I laid there on His “couch” {across a row of chairs there in the sanctuary} that’s exactly what He gave me:

A moment of simply 𝒷ℯ𝒾𝓃ℊ.
𝒩ℴ𝓉 𝒹ℴ𝒾𝓃ℊ, 𝓃ℴ𝓉 ℴ𝓋ℯ𝓇-𝓉𝒽𝒾𝓃𝓀𝒾𝓃ℊ,
but simply being held by Him.

And as I got up, rested and refreshed, unaware of what time it was or how long I had been there…and I gathered my things from the emptied sanctuary to leave, I heard this:

“I have at least thirty-seven other ‘couches’ here, available for any of my other children who need to take a pause from adulting and just come home {to ME} and rest… Keep putting the invitation out there.”

And encouraging others who are too far away from the sanctuary you visit, to do this at their own churches or their own homes.

It’s not as much about the space you are in, but the place your heart is in, and the place in your heart you give Him.

So that’s what I’m doing: continuing to invite people into His presence.

No need to talk.
No need to do anything.
It’s a time to just come, and 𝒿𝓊𝓈𝓉 𝒷ℯ.
At home.
Unburdened.
Held.

He is the BEST.

So last night we had our first open-church night.

It was hard and it was good, all at the same time.

Hard because the seats were mostly empty, and it felt like when you plan your kid a birthday party and barely anyone shows up.

Ever had that happen or been scared of that happening?

You feel disappointed because you’re afraid they’re going to feel less loved;

you feel insufficient in yourself to fill up that empty space

and then you feel guilty because it was you who created that empty space to begin with, so you believe that their emptiness is, in fact, your fault.

Just being totally authentic, this is how I started out feeling last night.

(To give a little background, God laid it on our hearts to have an “open house” and invite people in to the worship time with God that we have come to love. A “just be”ing with Him, and praise music, and coffee and each other. Originally the vision was to do it in our own living room, but our pastors invited us to do it at our church to make room for more people who may want to come.)

So as I was sitting there, eyes closed and head bowed, so that I didn’t have to see the empty rows…and feeling lots of icky feelings that I didn’t want to feel— God met me there and helped me to sort them all out.

It started off with Him reminding me of something I used to tell my bag-party-hostesses back in the day: “Don’t be afraid of nobody showing up, because EVERY gathering has purpose, and even if it’s just me and you it’s going to be great!” {And in fact, there were a few like that, and they always were still great because my hostesses and I just got to take time visiting with each other.}

So then I moved from being sad that people weren’t there for Him, bringing the glory of a full sanctuary to Him, helping us to demonstrate how loved He is by numbers…to being sad that they weren’t there – for 𝓉𝒽ℯ𝓂.

God is so amazing, so filling, so healing, so restoring, so reviving, so perfectly suited to meet every need in us, that it literally hurts to see people missing out. And especially to see them missing out because they’re over-extended, drained, and in need of restoration… it would be like watching someone die of thirst, while having a room of bottled waters right next to them. It’s exasperating. I don’t know how to describe it other than that. My heart aches to see other hearts filled and replenished.

On top of these things, there was confusion. “God, if you knew only a few would come, why didn’t we just have this in my living room? Should I have stuck to that?”

But- 2 of the 7 were new to the church and wouldn’t have come if it were in my living room. And 2 matter! So I knew the answer to that one right away.

However, what I didn’t know is what God was about to whisper to my heart about my own self. This is what He said:

“Daylene, you’ve always loved worshipping me in small spaces. You’ve always felt most intimate with me there.

Your living room.
Your camper.
Your car.
Even your closet.

And that is because you are picturing me as having the properties of a gas… expanding to fill whatever space I’m given.

So it’s like (unconsciously) you are drawn to small spaces partly because I feel more “concentrated” there.

And you are upset, a little, that you’ve taken your worship time into this bigger, “emptier” space.

You don’t get upset to worship in a bigger space when there are more people, because you imagine that more of Me shows up,
so the concentration of me is the same or greater in a big room with lots of people as it is your small space with just me and you…

But there is something today that I want to teach you:

I am not gas, I am God!

I fill from the inside out, not the outside in.

My presence doesn’t “spread out” in sparsely populated places so that I’m less concentrated, and “concentrate” in a packed place…
I breathe fresh air from the inside.

It’s not the size of the ROOM you worship in,
or how many people are in that room,
it’s how much room you give me IN 𝒴𝒪𝒰.

I will 𝒶𝓁𝓌𝒶𝓎𝓈 “expand” to fill whatever room each person gives me in 𝓉𝒽ℯ𝓂𝓈ℯ𝓁𝓋ℯ𝓈!”

❤️❤️❤️

Would a sanctuary full of people be thrilling?

Yes!

It’s exciting when we see multitudes worshipping Him above all the other busyness and things in their lives!

It’s exciting to see Him glorified and to feel like a part of something much bigger than ourselves when others “get it” and long to spend time with Him corporately {and individually} too!

It’s exciting watching new people worship, especially, because it’s like watching a toddler’s face full of wonder! It’s wonderful!

It’s like a mother delighting in watching her children love on their father, when we see our youth worshipping God, their Father in heaven. It brings 𝒾𝓃𝒹ℯ𝓈𝒸𝓇𝒾𝒷𝒶𝒷𝓁ℯ joy to witness that kind of worship, because it’s so fitting, so 𝓇𝒾ℊ𝒽𝓉— in this often so-so-wrong world.

But as far as the filling?

It’s exactly like I used to tell my hostesses-

There’s good in ℰ𝒱ℰℛ𝒴 gathering!

He always fills the ones who show up.

Not based on the size of the room.

But based on how much room they give Him, in themselves, for Him to move. ✝️

———————

There’s a song I used to sing at church camp as a kid, that came back to me just now. I’ll share it here. It’s my prayer. 🙏🏻

“Spirit of the Living God
fall fresh on me.

Spirit of the Living God
fall fresh on me.

Melt me, mold me, fill me, use me

Spirit of the Living God
fall fresh on me…”

I prayed that last night and He DID.
He 𝒶𝓁𝓌𝒶𝓎𝓈 does.
Better than 𝒶𝓃𝓎𝓉𝒽𝒾𝓃ℊ in the world.

“Why do you separate your bananas?” 🍌 🍌
the Spirit asked me, in inner-dialogue the other day, as I was putting away groceries I had just brought home from the store.

Of course He knew the answer,
but the purpose was to prod me into thought about it…and the deeper reason behind the question…

So I answered…

“Because if they stay together, they’ll ripen too fast. I want to slow the process down.”

🤔

Hmmm.

Really was some “food” for thought 😉
{pun totally intended here because y’all know I love a good pun!}

But for real- there are some real spiritual parallels here!

Have you ever considered the great lengths the enemy has gone to, in this world, to keep Christians from getting too close to each other or to others, so we won’t be “ripe” and ready for Jesus’s arrival?!

• 2020 and COVID: literal separation, literal masks hiding our faces and our emotions, 6 foot distancing in public, churches forced to meet online instead of in person
• Now habit: some have gone so long without meeting in person for worship and study that it’s their new norm. But we can’t practice Christlikeness and service well, apart from His Church. So not as much ripening is happening it seems.
• Busyness: my husband and I have speculated on this SO much. I don’t know exactly when the change happened, but youth sports went from being recreational to being essential for most people, and from being seasonal to CONTINUAL. All sports seems to – at least by the high school level- practice during ALL seasons, and it’s not enough to be in one there’s pressure to do them ALL, and be all in all we do. School leagues, additional rec leagues, travel leagues, all-star leagues. Where will it end?! And it’s not just sports. It’s other stuff too. Even essential stuff like work, but working for a fullness instead of from it so that we are constantly trying to fill an empty tank. And all of this filling is keeping us from the One who truly wants to and CAN fill us better than anything!

So the deeper question I’m pondering now is why?

Why so much increased effort on the enemy’s part to keep us (church families) in our own separate lives?

It feels obvious but I also don’t know how I feel about stating it. I’m not really a fan of ruffling feathers, but here goes. {God please give me boldness and courage to speak Truth in a spirit of Love… 🙏🏻}:

Perhaps the time is getting shorter.
(I don’t know when the end will be of course. Nobody does. But the signs are starting to show that this world is getting closer to harvest season.)

When that time comes for harvest,
only the ripe-
only the ready-
will get to enter into His Kingdom.

(I’m not saying that because I want it to be true, I’d prefer that everyone get to go. I’m saying it because it IS true, and because I want everyone to know they have a choice to go. And because it feels ultra important – even if uncomfortable- to point out that we are often choosing, moment by moment, to be so busied in other areas of life that we forget about our Kingdom lives here and the eternal life that will follow.)

Nothing can separate us from the love of God, it’s true.
EXCEPT OURSELVES.

So this post may be controversial and for me it’s certainly uncomfortable. But I feel like He is asking me to pose the question today- {though it’s none of my business for whom, I’m not pointing fingers or prodding here, only obeying and asking}—

What, if anything, is keeping you from being ripe and ready for harvest?

What is keeping you from gathering together, with other believers, and worshipping together?

Is there something else in your life taking up all your time, that maybe you’re worshipping instead, even if you’d never call it that?

(Looking back in different seasons of our life there DEFINITELY were things keeping our priorities misaligned, that we had to submit to Him to be put in their places or removed entirely. Was it comfortable? No. Did we have FOMO? Of course. But has there been spiritual blessing on the other side of that? YES! And it’s been worth every bit of it!)

What is keeping you from spending quality personal time with God?

If Jesus came back tomorrow,
would He say that you know Him (have an intimate personal and currently active relationship with Him) and invite you into Heaven?

Or would He say- I never knew you…

Or would He say- I used to know you, and I’ve missed you. I wish you would have stayed close to me…

(Don’t answer this aloud for me now, I’m not asking you to reveal yourself to me. I am only writing this to help others self-reflect, as we have had to do and still have to do, over and over in our walk with Him, so that if anyone needs to make some adjustments to their priorities or their calendars, or pray for Him to make some adjustments to their hearts- they can. Before it’s too late.)

One day, the end will come.
Every day, is someone’s last.

But Jesus says that if we love HIM with all our hearts, souls, minds, strength… (all our time, energy, affection)… and if we make Him the Lord {boss} of our lives, then death won’t have the last laugh.

I’ve seen too many deaths in my newsfeed lately.

The only comfort in that is when we know that we know someone was living for Him, because then we know they are living (eternally) WITH Him in Heaven.

And that’s what we want for everyone, in and beyond our friends’ list. ❤️

I even want it enough to risk someone unfollowing me because I’ve offended them.

Even though if you know me you know that I’d prefer everyone feel loved by me and comforted, not offended.

This world is going bananas, y’all. 🍌
We need a peace more secure than this world has to offer.

I tried this craft for the first time yesterday with my preschool class. It turned out to be super simple and really beautiful! 💞

And of course, it reminded me of the spiritual too.

God chooses for his kingdom not the “perfect” crayons but the broken ones.

Maybe freshly broken and hurting,
or maybe after we have been broken awhile and have decided to look on the bright side and say that “broken crayons 🖍️ still color.”

For whatever reason, God doesn’t see our brokenness as making us inferior, but SUPERior— (not in a prideful way, but as in ready for the picking! Ready to be turned into something even better than an intact single color!)

He picks us up and peels off our labels.

This can be a tedious process, (as our preschoolers learned.)

It can be hard to be patient, in that process.

Some of us like our labels and don’t want to let go of them.

Some of us hate our labels and want to shed them but they feel stuck onto us, like there’s no way they’re going to come off.

But God always succeeds in the ones who will allow Him to.

Also, He sticks us together with other broken crayons who have had their labels removed.

This is church.

We sit in the son-shine and He melts our hearts, blurs our differences. Makes us into something more colorful than we could have ever been on our own.

Of course we must go out into the real world too. This is the cold atmosphere that forces us to stick together, (sometimes going through the hard things together binds us best, doesn’t it?)

While we may not understand any of this while it’s happening, eventually we will see it.

We will recognize that He has made us into a part of something beautiful!

That He has gifted us the opportunity to go color a 𝓉𝓇𝓊ℯ rainbow- a sign of ℋℐ𝒮 goodness and faithfulness and promises- on the world around us.

His ways are so different from ours.
But He is love.

So. Much. ℒ𝒪𝒱ℰ!

——
FromFull.com

This morning I went down to our basement to start a load of laundry.

The first thing I saw when I walked down the stairs was a big ol’ wolf spider, scurrying across the floor. 🕷️

I looked down at my feet-
no shoes to step on it with. 🤦🏼‍♀️

Nothing in my hands to smash it with either.

So, not wanting to leave the room (knowing if I did, it will have scurried away by the time I got back), I grabbed the first thing I could find which was a pair of socks from our clean laundry bin, and took care of it.

Why? Because I’ve learned that if you don’t squish it when you see it, sometimes it comes back to bite you later.

Now of course this post isn’t 𝒶𝒸𝓉𝓊𝒶𝓁𝓁y about spiders.

{So anyone about to tell me which spiders bite and which don’t, which are poisonous and aren’t, which are actually beneficial to the environment, that’s interesting and all, but that’s not actually where I want to go with this conversation.}

What I want to share- in this memorable way- is a spiritual truth that is relatable.

Have you ever had a “spider” of a thought?

A creepy crawly lie that the enemy tries to send your way?

If you don’t know your authority and USE IT to squish that lie, {particularly with the 𝒯ℛ𝒰𝒯ℋ of the Word}, that thought- even if dismissed initially- may scurry back to bite you later!

We don’t get to choose what we come across- not even thoughts sometimes.

But we do get to choose what we allow to stay, and what we squish out.

We need to stay surrounded by Truth.
And we need to smash the lies.

About our identity.
{Who we are in Him.}

About our authority in Christ.
{What He says we can do- in His Power.}

About our security in Him.
{How He says He will take care of us.}

About the authority we need to allow Him to have in our lives.
{Versus the “cute” lie of an idea that as Christians we can decide for ourselves what is right and wrong. A seemingly innocent little insect, but a poisonous one for our souls…}

——

I don’t know what spiders you have been coming across lately, in particular.

We all tend to have our own “brand” that the enemy likes to send our way.

Maybe he has been attacking your identity or security.

Maybe he is always there with his ugly thoughts…

that you aren’t enough

don’t have enough,

won’t have enough in the future,

aren’t loved enough,

don’t do enough….

He has enough little variants on those phrases to keep us from moving, Godfidently, in the direction God has called us.

But today – let’s say ℰ𝒩𝒪𝒰𝒢ℋ ℐ𝒮 ℰ𝒩𝒪𝒰𝒢ℋ!

Let’s smash those ugly bugs with TRUTH
-that 𝓌ℯ 𝒹ℴ𝓃’𝓉 ℋ𝒜𝒱ℰ 𝓉ℴ 𝒷ℯ ℯ𝓃ℴ𝓊ℊ𝒽!

Jesus Christ is enough for us!
We are sufficient, in His sufficiency!
His grace is sufficient for us!

Besides that, we are made in His image.
Knit together in our mother’s wombs.
Designed uniquely and exactly the way God wanted us to be.
And with Him we have ALL we need to accomplish everything that He has given us to do!

I could go on and on with Truth bombs here.
And sometimes we have so many lies attacking our minds that this is exactly what we need-
to “bomb” our spiritual house {our minds} with His Words.

But I don’t want to make this post crazy long.

So today, I encourage you.

Don’t just dismiss those lies and let them go,
continuing to lurk in the corners.
Coming back around later to bite you again.

Identify them and squash them immediately.

Use the weapon of the Word that He has given you, and take those lies out.

“Sock ‘em!”, if you will. 😉 🧦 🤪

The other morning God and I had a “coffee date” by the lake after I took my son to work.

Here is one set of notes I jotted down, that He spoke to my heart.

I so needed this. ❤️

Sometimes in a season of growth-
whether growth in family,
in business,
in ministry,
or even growth in wisdom through study,
it’s easy to neglect the growth that matters most—RELATIONSHIP.

With God.

And with our c.o.r.e people-
the ones that keep us rooted & grounded in Him, and in His love for us,
whenever we start to believe
that the success of our mission
depends more upon what we do
than it does basking in what He has done for us, and spilling that out into a weary world.

So- here is what He showed me in our quiet time, as my eyes came to rest upon the shadow of a tree’s branches on the ground, which looked just like roots!

———

The sun (Son) reminds us, shows us
that there are important roots beneath the surface that hold the tree up.

When children draw trees,
they never draw the roots.
Likely, they don’t even think of them.

Adults who have grown up to not consider the roots can also be this way.

And- even once we know it’s easy to forget.

There are too many visual distractions.

That’s why the sun reminds us.
When it shines through the branches and casts shadows on the ground, it’s as if it’s painting a picture of the roots for us to see!

Even a very small tree would fall over without roots.

Once we grow and become “family trees” and have branches and other parts of the tree depending on our ability to stand- we can feel so much pressure to hold things up.

We fall over and over.

We NEED roots.

We need to be implanted beneath the surface!

Imagine a stick, stuck into the ground, trying to stand.

If only a shallow depth in, the stick will fall easily. The slightest wind will knock it over.

So- How much of a percentage “buried” (rooted/planted/hidden/secured) will keep it more solid?

How much of our time needs to be spent “grounded” (in our heavenly home, in the presence of God alone, spiritually dwelling in the room that he has gone to prepare for us?)

The bigger our stick, our tree is, the more we need to be stubborn about having that “grounded” time. Especially if others are depending on us.

We can’t give anyone the best of ourselves if we don’t first go get the best (love found in quality time with God) for ourselves.

It’s not negligent to them, it’s IMPORTANT.

It shouldn’t be seen as competing with the other things in our life for our time, it should be seen as supporting them. Just like roots don’t compete with branches, they support them and hold them up! 🌲

Excited to embrace this once again.
Sometimes we all need a reminder.

“It’s empty!!” 😩 said my three year old, as he dramatically placed a box in my lap that he had pulled from under a Christmas tree at our Friday co-op.

It was the fourth or fifth box he had opened, which were really under the tree as props. Decoration.

I had warned him of that when he first asked if he could open them, actually, but he had to see for himself. He was SURE that there was going to be a wonderful gift inside, and nothing besides examining the insides personally could convince him otherwise!

At first I found myself giving him the “told ya so” speech, but when I saw that his childlike anticipation had been replaced by a new look of hopelessness, frustration, and defeat, my annoyance that he wouldn’t listen to me was also replaced– with empathy.

Actually, I FELT it.

And I can also see it echoed in the hearts and posts of so many in my newsfeed.

Some of the things and experiences that, especially this time of year, seem so sparkly and shiny and beautiful and promising — that we are just certain if we could open them for ourselves, would bring us great joy— fail to deliver the truly full heart we are deep down looking for.

AND YET…

Perhaps we are missing it.

Perhaps there is something there that can’t be seen.

An opportunity waiting to present itself, if we could just take on a new mindset.

Not an empty box, but a
SPACE to create!

A challenge to see something BEYOND the seen!

To call it forth, into being!

——

I almost missed it, to be real with you.

In fact, because this moment happened towards the end of the day and past the mark when my mind is ready to disengage and be back at home, my patience was lacking more than I love to admit.

I probably responded to him no less than a dozen times, and with an exasperated voice, “I know, it’s empty. I’m sorry. I wish I could help you but I can’t.”

Until I realized, I could.

So the thirteenth-ish time, I changed my reaction.

Or rather, God changed my perspective for me.

I don’t know how I heard His voice amidst the chaos and clutter of my own mind, with its regular PLUS holiday to-do lists shuffling and its battery low…but I did.

And He said something along the lines of:

The box is not empty.
It’s just waiting for you to call out the fullness.
Use your imagination, why don’t you?

See what’s there that can’t be seen,
until YOU bring it out.

So I looked in that box, and I don’t know what came over me-

a childlike playfulness I don’t channel often enough-

and I said to him, “Oh, C! You missed it! This box isn’t empty, there’s a SMILE in it!!! 😃”

And I smiled a giant smile and thanked him for it, and as he peered inside to see for himself, the gift multiplied and suddenly he was donning a brand-new smile too!

And then the next gift came out: a LAUGH!

After that, he and the others began searching for trinkets to put IN the box, and it became quite the playtime.

They filled it with tractors and cars and closed and opened the boxes over and over, never seeming to get tired of seeing the things they placed in them inside and “regifting” them to others who would peek inside the box!

Certainly a change from the demeanor he had when looking for pre-filled boxes, only to find them “empty.”

The joy was in the filling!
The imagining!
The creating, delighting, sharing.

——

I know this time of year, it’s easy to want life to be like a Hallmark movie.

It’s easy to want to go back to those childhood days of opening boxes to find someone else had filled them for us.

It’s easy to want to be the recipient of hospitality, instead of the one behind the scenes putting in the time, sweat, and sometimes tears of creating the atmosphere that seems to others, to be effortless.

But if we look too long at the package-
the outside,
the expectations of what the holidays will hold

or too much on the apparent-
what a.p.p.e.a.r.s to be inside
{or particularly, the lack thereof}

we will feel frustrated, exasperated, defeated, and disillusioned.

We will grab ahold of those feelings of “emptiness”…
(Like the “what about me” post I keep seeing about moms having empty stockings — which trust me, I’m not judging because I’ve been there and felt that way before— I just want to show you something MORE here—)
and our souls will feel cheated and depleted.

But what if we took on a fresh set of eyes?

What if we saw this new “open box” as a DEEP PRIVILEGE,
an opportunity-
to be the host,
the magic-bringer,
the light-displayer,
the story-of-Jesus’s-love-teller…
not as if we had been shoved out of the cozy nest of childhood and receiving,
which makes us long for those old, nostalgic days-

But instead, for the joy that it is!

Minus any pressure placed upon ourselves for others’ happiness to rest solely in our hands.

I’m not talking about placing the weight of giving our children or anyone else a “perfect Christmas” square on our shoulders.

I’m simply saying:

What if we stopped buying the lie that our boxes are empty?

And we stopped chasing all the things that we believe will fill them?

And we ask Him to help us call out the good stuff-
the best stuff-

HIS peace and joy and contentment-

that are there but sometimes we need help to see them, and to RECEIVE them.

You see, a love like that-
when received-
or RE-received-
you just can’t help but pass it on! ❤️

And THAT is what the best holidays-
or any days-
are made of.
HIS unseen but realer-than-real love.

It’s the antidote, in fact, for all emptiness.

It’s what I wish for everyone, this Christmas.

Your stockings aren’t empty, momma.
It’s just that God has given you blessings that don’t fit inside stockings anymore!

There are some things in my relationship with Jesus I enjoy writing about more than others. God winks. “Trash talk.” (When I pick up trash and discover a message in the words, because He can use anything to converse with us.) All the cool little ways He speaks if we will quiet our souls and listen and learn to hear Him.

And then there are the things I don’t so much like to talk about. Like suicidal thoughts, and struggles with feeling misunderstood, and how Jesus has and still does help me through some very difficult thoughts and emotions.

These are the subjects that MOST need shared though, I believe. Because more people struggle with them than care to admit it. Even Christians, because while we are not of this world any longer we are still in this world- and this is a messy, emotionally charged, worry-filled, but also breathtakingly beautiful at times world. It’s so much up and down that sometimes we can feel disoriented, and we need something- SomeONE to reorient us.

I read just now when I googled it that suicide is the 12th leading cause of death in the US. That in 2020, 45,979 Americans died by suicide and there were an estimated 1.20M suicide attempts.

Those numbers are HEARTBREAKING 💔 to me.
Each and every one of them undoubtedly had reached a place where they felt like they couldn’t go on.

And it’s embarrassing to admit, though Jesus has removed my shame, that I have been there before.

It’s even harder for me to share that from time to time I can still struggle with these feelings.

I have heard lots of testimonies from believers about how Jesus has delivered them in their past from thoughts or even attempts of suicide. But I haven’t seen many sharing their ongoing battles with it, or the way Jesus has taught them to get out of that stronghold when they wrestle with those thoughts.

And maybe some are delivered once and never have those struggles again.

But I know there are others- because I have dealt with it in my own life- who the enemy still comes after with those thoughts, and yet it’s hard to share that because we also can feel like a failure in our faith if we don’t always FEEL joyful, hopeful, forgiving, or confident.

I know I’m not alone in this.
And I know that someone who will read this-
today or in the future-
will benefit from seeing that they’re not alone,
and that they’re not stuck.
There IS a better way out, than suicide.
And His name is JESUS.
In John 14:6 Jesus says, “I am the way and the truth and the life!”

And today I want to share what it looks like, particularly in the battle of these I’ve-got-nothing-left-to-give, can’t-keep-on-keeping-on thoughts, to take HIS way out.

So if anyone is reading this that has been considering taking the other way out, I urge you to give this a try instead. As many times as you need to. (It’s not shameful to need His help over and over and over, it’s exactly why He came and why He offers us His Holy Spirit. He KNOWS we need help. We were not designed to do life or battle the demons of depression, anxiety, or suicidal or even just discouraging thoughts alone!)

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❤️ YOU DON’T WANT TO DIE.
YOU ARE JUST STRUGGLING TO KEEP ON LIVING- with a situation, an emotion, something.

You have hit a place where you feel like you can’t go on.

And honestly- if you have been here before, and find yourself here again, with each time the enemy may increase his lies saying “What’s the point? The feelings will just come back.”

Friend- it’s time to hear some Truth.

The Truth is- not only is there a God but there’s also a devil. Not only are there angels but there are demons. And those thoughts do NOT come from our own selves, they come from the enemy of our souls. Robbers do not break into empty, worthless houses. They break into the places with VALUABLES. And the devil is trying to break into your mind because YOU ARE INFINITELY VALUABLE TO GOD, and to more people than you probably feel like in this moment.

And yes- even if you defeat these thoughts, they may try to attack again. (Do you think most criminals try to steal something once and then give up?) BUT GOD DOESN’T GIVE UP ON YOU EITHER! And HE IS STRONGER! And the more times you turn to Him, to wrestle out of this attempted stronghold, the more quickly you will learn to recognize it for what it is, recognize that it’s beyond your own capacity to handle, and call on Him for His help, encouragement, and grace-power, instead of trying to muster up more will-power, when your will is so depleted that it’s even having a hard time just staying alive.

There’s an acronym for hope that I love-
Hold
On
Pain
Ends.

It does!

It also may come back too.
This life is full of challenges.

But guess what?
Whenever it does-
EVERY SINGLE TIME-
Jesus is willing to be there for you,
if you will call on Him!

He never ever EVER gets tired of helping you,
never hits his limit of love for you.
He is the only limitless!
And He WANTS to walk this out with you!

So don’t just “hold on”,
don’t just wait for things to get better.
Don’t just hold on to your horses, your big girl panties, or anything else.

HOLD ON TO HIM!

HE IS THE ONLY ONE STRONG ENOUGH TO WRESTLE OFF THESE LIES AND DEMONS.

And He never expects you to get to a place of not needing His help!

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❤️ FAITH IS A DECISION, NOT AN EMOTION.

Regarding this topic, it’s a decision to call upon Jesus to get you through a situation or an emotional attack, instead of giving up or trying to go it alone.

The emotions often follow!

Once He gets you through, and this wave of pain ends, you will undoubtedly hit a BEAUTIFUL moment in life (because those come around too! And even moreso when we look for them, and make it a point to create those moments for others too.)

When this happens, your joy and your love and gratitude for Jesus will be even more intense than they would have been if you didn’t go through trials! (Imagine the flood of emotions, finishing a marathon that you wanted to give up in a million times but a friend didn’t let you, kept coming back for you, kept helping you press on! You got the medal at the end- the beautiful moment! When on your own you didn’t deserve it, couldn’t have earned it. You just want to wrap that person up in a giant hug because they saw and called out something in you that you couldn’t have! That’s what Jesus does! He SEES the ability to persist in us because He PLACED it there! It’s not of our own selves but His Holy Spirit that abides in us if we invite Him in!)

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❤️ SALVATION IS THE OTHER “WAY OUT”-
THE BETTER WAY OUT.
IT IS THE FLIP-SIDE OF SUICIDE.

Listen-
you can’t go on, I know.

I’m not telling you to carry on.

I’m here to share the salvation opportunity with you- the opportunity to BE CARRIED ON.

Salvation is BOTH a one-time thing, and also a daily thing, just like marriage is a one-time commitment but also a daily persisting and commitment.

Salvation is coming into relationship with Jesus and not just doing life next to eachother but depending on Him as a partner, and particularly THE STRONG ONE. The only partner where it doesn’t have to be 50/50, or 80/20. He wants us to depend on Him for EVERYTHING that we need! And He truly means that and never reaches His limit to provide that emotional support! And anything we have to give – all the love we serve with- THIS is where that generates from! THIS is where the keeping-on power is found, when we allow ourselves to be “kept” in Him!

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❤️ YOU AREN’T DESIGNED TO BE SELF-EMPOWERED OR SELF-SUFFICIENT

I have come to recognize, in my walk with Jesus, that when I get to this can’t-go-on place, I am NEVER desiring to actually die.

And I feel like it’s so important to share this because others need to know it and understand it, so that if they ever get to this place they can see the way out of that trap too!

What this feeling is, is an indicator that I have simply hit my emotional capacity to handle the weight of something on my own. (I wasn’t designed to, but this alert reminds me that I must have inadvertently been trying to, and I’ve strained my “motor” and need to get back to being empowered by Him, not trying to push myself onward.)

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📖 This morning I was drawn to read Luke 23.

For the first time I read the events leading up to Jesus’s resurrection (Him walking through death and out of the grave!) in a new way!

Verse 1-3:
“Then the whole assembly rose and led him off to Pilate. And they began to accuse him, saying, “We have found this man subverting our nation. He opposes payment of taxes to Caesar and claims to be Messiah, a king.” So Pilate asked Jesus, “Are you the king of the Jews?” “You have said so,” Jesus replied.”

So it began with lies. Accusations.
And what was different about Jesus?
He didn’t get out of this situation by defending himself, explaining himself, running away, turning it on them or throwing anyone else under the bus.
He waited on God to get him through.

Verse 4-5:
“Then Pilate announced to the chief priests and the crowd, “I find no basis for a charge against this man.” But they insisted, “He stirs up the people all over Judea by his teaching. He started in Galilee and has come all the way here.””
‭‭
So then, even with someone defending Him, someone declaring his innocence, even with a not-guilty judgment, the lies didn’t stop. The attacks kept coming. They weren’t justified but they didn’t care. You can’t reason with demons, or with people bent on believing the worst.

Jesus didn’t try to reason.
He waited on God to deliver Him.

It got worse.
The attacks became physical, but were still also emotional.
They beat him.
They nailed him to a cross.
They mocked him.
As he was dying for them, they were killing him.

(Ever feel that way? I’m giving you my all and you don’t even see it, you don’t even care. And not only that but you’re killing me (not literally but it can feel like it.) You’re starving me of my needs. Or you’re talking badly about me. Or you’re acting like I don’t matter. Or you’re accusing me of not giving my all and you don’t even know how much that’s not true. JESUS WENT THROUGH ALL OF THIS! HE CAN RELATE! Take it to him!)

Finally- Jesus reached His “limit.”
He gave all that His body could give,
(He had a human body that could only take so much, but now He has on His heavenly body that is invincible)
and yet He didn’t give up on His mission-
Instead, this is what He did:

Verse 34:
“Jesus said, “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.”

Verse 44-47:
“It was now about noon, and darkness came over the whole land until three in the afternoon, for the sun stopped shining. And the curtain of the temple was torn in two.

Jesus called out with a loud voice, “Father, into your hands I commit my spirit.”

When he had said this, he breathed his last. The centurion, seeing what had happened, praised God and said, “Surely this was a righteous man.”

So here I believe He shows us TWO KEYS,
to spiritually pressing on PAST the things that feel like they’re emotionally or even physically killing us-

1️⃣PRE-FORGIVENESS:
He decided ahead of time to forgive people, and to ask God to forgive them, thus releasing any bitterness that would hold him down. When we forgive, it releases us from the pain.
When we decide to pre-forgive, it prepares us to get through any possible pain even faster. When someone hurts us, pain exists.
There’s no way around it, we have to get through it. But we don’t have to get through it alone. We can ask for His help to forgive. And instead of dragging it out each time, trying to decide if each offense is forgivable or not, when we pre-forgive it keeps us from wasting that precious time and also “gets us through” that dark tunnel faster.

2️⃣PLACING OUR SPIRITS INTO HIS HANDS:
In this Bible passage, Jesus’s spirit was leaving His body. It was His time. He didn’t decide his time, God did. When the enemy tries to get us to think suicidal thoughts, what he is doing is attempting to get our spirits to take our physical lives into our own hands, and to choose our time to “be done” on our own. But — we are freed from spiritual torment when we follow Jesus’s example— placing our spiritual well-being into God’s hands.

I don’t have to be okay on my own, I go to God for my okayness.

I don’t have to be able to forgive on my own, I go to God and ask for him to give me the capacity to forgive.

I don’t have to be able to suck it up and carry on on my own, I can ask for my heavenly Father to carry me. To lift my spirit!

Jesus Christ did even more than die on the cross for us. He momentarily took on our other punishment- spiritual separation from God- (it’s why He cried out “My God my God why have you forsaken me?)— so that we would NEVER have to have that! So that there’d NEVER be a time when we call out to God that He is not willing to hear us.

So there’s a tragedy that exists beyond some choosing not to trust in Jesus for their eternal salvation, and missing out on heaven.

There’s also a tragedy even amongst Christians— that we sometimes leave the gift of His presence on the table— and we try to go it alone, in all situations or just some of them, when we don’t have to! We try to save ourselves or we believe that we are done-beyond saving from these emotions, this situation- when He offers us- as many times as we need it, in every circumstance and every emotion— the opportunity to “get away” from those unbearable emotions by taking cover spiritually in Him.

So I’m sharing this today as it crossed my mind again, in hopes that it will help someone press through- not in their own selves but by pressing into Him! ❤️

Life can be HARD.
But God is GOOD!

If it’s an emotion you’re struggling with, a lie, attacks on your mind- use the gift of Jesus’s authority that He gave you over your own mind. Ask Him to come in and fill your mind with Truth, and tell the enemy and those lies to leave you in Jesus’s name!

If it’s a circumstance, “go to the bottom of the pool” and press up. Admit that you CAN’T change it, handle it, do it, but also remind yourself that GOD CAN. He can deliver you physically or He can strengthen you emotionally to persevere until this season has past!

Go “where two or more are gathered in His name.” Find a group of Spirit-filled believers and ask them to pray over you. We weren’t made to battle alone.

Practice pre-forgiveness. This one is hard. I am FAR from perfecting it. I hate having to practice it. As a words girl I can even take things personally that people don’t intend to be hurtful. Or even the lack of words at times can be hurtful. If we are looking for opportunities to be offended, we can always find them. But if we are looking to follow Jesus’s example and decide “they know not what they do”.

Even when it seems that they do,
even when they REALLY do –
there’s another level of “knowing”

they don’t understand because they don’t have the same love languages as us,

or because their spiritual eyes haven’t been opened,

or their souls have become calloused.

And humility helps too- there have been times I have hurt people when I truly and honestly didn’t mean to. And there have been times where I regret it, but I did say something hurtful, and at the time I did mean to. If I am thankful to have been forgiven, I need to decide I’m willing to forgive too.

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Sharing these things and my real human struggles and flaws is never easy, but I want to be obedient when prompted. Praying if you are struggling with any of these things, that now you don’t feel alone – and that it helps you. ❤️

Yesterday morning I woke and the shadow of the craft I made last month caught my eye on my dresser, as the sun was gleaming through it.

(I recreated it with a flashlight for this photo because I didn’t catch it in time.)

So anyway-
See how the light is shining through the glass part?

God drew my eyes to it and said to my heart:

“Authenticity.

THIS is why authenticity (transparency) is important.”

Because the places where we allow transparency in our lives, sharing our sometimes beautiful and sometimes messy feelings and stories is exactly where His light shines through!

Other people need to know that they’re normal and that just because they become Christian doesn’t mean that their life on earth is all rainbows and roses, nor does it mean that their feelings are always going to be good.

Faith is a decision, not an emotion.
It’s choosing to believe God is good and has a plan and a purpose (even when we can’t see it yet, and even when we don’t feel good.)

Authenticity allows people to see- you can love Jesus and still have some messy feelings. That’s one reason why He wants to walk in real relationship with us through Holy Spirit- to help us through those!

In my craft in the photo, all the pieces were actually originally clear glass. But some parts I painted black for the look of it.

And I’m sure there’s nothing wrong with that, craftwise, but this is what God spoke to my heart as He used this illustration to speak to me.

“See the parts that you painted over?

No light is getting through that.

People don’t see the true Me as much-

the God that comforts t.h.r.o.u.g.h messy feelings, instead of promising that you’ll never have challenging situations again;

the God that is good-
even when life doesn’t always f.e.e.l like the Facebook filtered perfection you w.a.n.t it to feel like;

the God whose love is p.u.r.e
and who somehow shines Joy and peace into souls – when people come to Him for it-
even when it makes no physical sense that they’d be able to find joy or find peace in the situations they find themselves in.”

So many friends on my heart today.
Going through some very hard things.

And authentically I can share that I experience hard feelings too, often.

The flesh doesn’t like being challenged,
or going through change,
or experiencing any sort of struggle.

And yet- in all of it- we can still see and seek to look upon and focus on His goodness! The light, amongst the dark!

I see my friends seeking Him

even as one has lost her husband,

and even as one is headed back to her war-torn country to help mend some hearts by sharing Jesus’s love.

Those a just a few.
There are so many others.
And I deeply appreciate their authenticity-
and the ways they demonstrate
that GOD IS GOOD
even when life is hard. ✝️