Earlier this week, I went out to my garden to pick tomatoes 🍅 and got a bonus reminder-lesson along with them.
You see, we have this one “defective” tomato plant with ripe tomatoes that are smaller than my three-year old’s fingernails, it’s so weird.
I have been waiting patiently up to this point, thinking they may start getting more fruit-full, but they haven’t, and now that plant is trying to take over the whole garden!
The other morning I had to pull it back because it was choking out my good plants, but I think I’m going to have to cut that plant out entirely.
As I was considering this God said to me:
“Remember, Daylene, don’t let the little (unimportant) stuff choke out the big (eternally important) stuff.”
It was a needed reminder, as I have found myself getting caught up in little details of projects so much that I was feeling “rotten” and less-than-full because that little stuff was beginning to choke out some of my most fruitful time with Him.
Later that day, He repeated this same theme through a friend as she shared what He had been speaking to her. ❤️
I love how He does that!
Encourages lovingly. Practically.
Repeats Himself.
Repeats Himself through a friend so we understand it’s not just us that struggles with these things.
It’s so common!
We aren’t alone.
And we are better together, reminding one another-
It’s ok to pull up “vines” sometimes –
things that may be full of fruit, even, but not the BEST kind, not the FILLING kind,
Sometimes we MUST prune away the little stuff in our lives- maybe even some stuff that feels big and necessary in this moment- so that the e.t.e.r.n.a.l fruits in our lives {the Word, the time with HIM, the fellowshipping with Him in the center} has space in the garden of our hearts to grow and prosper.
And when we do, we may feel less full in quantity {#s of things to go on our resumes, perhaps, or dollars in the bank} but MORE full in quality!
And what we DO have {especially that relationship with Him}- b.e.c.a.u.s.e we have made room- we are more able to feel thankFULL for!
{If you don’t know what that is, I often look for trash on the ground – 1.) to pick it up and leave someplace better than I found it and 2.) okay this is my primary “selfish” objective- because I’ve found God gives some really great reminders to me through e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g- even trash.}
So here was yesterday’s reminder- as I walked up on three smashed crayons in a parking lot, probably dropped by a kid in a hurry. Or maybe dropped in a moment of frustration by a mom whose toddler was having a fit getting in their car seat. (Not gonna lie, I’ve been there before. Like very recently.)
BUT…
Broken Crayons 🖍 Still Color!
That’s what He reminded me with these three smashed restaurant crayons.
We are all a little broken aren’t we?
And I don’t know about you, but my wanna-be-perfectionist self often used to discard old crayons for a fresh box.
The beginning of every school year was out with the old and in with the new!
Yet I think He is wanting to change my perspective A LOT this season.
I am that broken crayon:
I have been smashed.
“…pressed on every side by troubles, but …not crushed. …perplexed, but not driven to despair. … hunted down, but never abandoned by God. …knocked down, but … not destroyed.” - 2 Corinthians 4:8-9 NLT
Unlabeled. (My old fancy titles are gone.) I am now “just” a mom. “Just” a wife. “Just” a daughter of God.
But that’s enough. Actually it’s not “JUST”- it’s not fair at all, I don’t deserve these amazing roles… the opportunity to be a mom, wife, or daughter of the King. Pure gifts- that’s what these roles are that I get to “color”.
Sometimes the enemy tells me that I’m not good enough.
Sometimes he tries to make me stare extra hard at my brokenness, my imperfections…
Sometimes he has tried to tell me that my husband would be better off with a “fresh crayon”— a better wife than myself.
Or that my kids would be better off with a more perfect mom. One with fancier labels intact. Team mom. Crafty mom. Obsessed-with-the-role-of-mom mom.
And “all” I am is a very imperfect mom who loves them, loves their dad, and obsessively loves the God who created us – and even though He is God of the universe— chooses to do life with us. ❤️
But- that’s all He wants of us, mommas. That’s enough. He doesn’t care about any labels. He doesn’t care if we look fresh or used up. He made us to color His messages of love into this dark and drabby and love-hungry world, not to stay pristine and “safe” in our own little boxes!
He reminded me of that today. How he sees us – even in our brokenness-
Especially in a bold brokenness… that refuses to give up, refuses to believe the lies that we are just done,
A bold brokenness that sees ourselves the way He does- Not trash, but treasure.
Broken pieces = character
The smaller we become = more used up for Him,
The more we’ve given of ourselves = the more beauty we’ve created to leave behind, pointing the way for others toward our forever Home.
And one day in heaven, we will all be new again.
Everything broken, everything bent- Everything once tossed aside- collected by Him {if we have allowed ourselves to be picked up by His loving hands} and FOREVER, perfectly restored. ❤️
Whenever our souls feel weary or “on the floor”- it’s simply that they’re attesting to this, reminding us… though we live on this imperfect planet right now, we were MADE for heaven’s “more.”
Some observations about the “straight and narrow”path… 💛
🔘 There are lots of weeds {invitations for worry, and the cares of this world} & we must learn to navigate around those or we could get tripped up. Or at the very least annoyed about how they rub up against our legs and make us lose our peace. 🌱
🔘 When you keep your face toward the sun, the shadows do fall behind you, but you also feel BLIND sometimes – meaning you don’t always get to see what’s in front of you, in your future. ☀️
🔘 Be careful about measuring yourself by the shadow you cast. When the sun is shining from behind you {when His glory is shining through you}, it’s easy to overestimate your “size”. Remember- this world was made by Him & for Him. We don’t need to be epic or make history, we are beyond blessed to simply be a part of HiStory! 📖
🔘 No matter how narrow the road is, no matter how rough {or smooth} the traveling conditions…the journey is ALWAYS better together with Him & with others! No need to go it alone. Let’s all help each other stay on the straight and narrow instead, calling out to one another, encouraging one another, looking out for one another when someone veers off. It’s worth the effort. & It’s eternally important. 💛
My “On This Day” memories today reminded me of an episode two years ago, when we were at Kohl’s to get some clothes for our son. We had told our daughter that her turn would be soon, and she had said she was ok with waiting. (She always has more clothes than the rest of us put together I think!)
In the checkout, when she came up to me with $10 in Starbucks gift cards and her wallet, and told me she wanted to buy them for me, I told her thanks but that’s ok. I wanted her to save her money to buy something she wanted. And I would take her out for a coffee date, but I would pay. She didn’t have to.
All of a sudden the tears started falling.
It made absolutely no sense to my husband or to me.
“You don’t even like Starbucks, sweet girl.” (She didn’t, at the time. She really does now!)
“Are you really ok that we are getting your brother clothes today and waiting on yours until next month?”
“Did I say ‘no thank you’ in a hurtful tone? I don’t think I did. I appreciate your generosity.”
“What did I do?”
“Nothing. You didn’t do anything. I’m fine. It’s fine.”
But the tears kept flowing.
I wasn’t sure what to make of it.
She didn’t look fine. But she didn’t want to talk about it. So we finally just let her be and ten minutes later she really was fine. She understood. But her emotions had a mind of their own. And THAT was what was most frustrating to her!
Boy have I been there.
Like the very next morning.
Laying in bed, scratching my hubby’s back. Having a perfectly peaceful moment and then one little thing pricked a hole in my emotions and the tears started oozing out.
“Are you crying?” he asked me. “What did I do?”
“No. You didn’t do anything. I’m fine. It’s fine.”
(Sounds familiar, huh?)
And he really didn’t.
Dang those tears.
I wish they would obey my desires but they don’t.
They come flooding out whenever they wish to.
Sad moments, happy moments, frustrating moments.
Moments of overwhelm and moments of intense joy alike.
Sometimes they make sense and sometimes they don’t.
And always, despite my better judgment and my will to hold them back, still they flow.
The best gift my hubby can give me when this happens is a simple hug.
A squeeze of the hand.
An “are you ok?”, followed by a simple change of subject when I assure him that I am.
Trusting that I’ll be honest when I’m not.
And just like that, the tears leave as quickly as they came on.
Emotions make no sense at all sometimes.
But, to not have them I would have to harden my heart. So I’ll take them in stride, knowing they are just a part of the softness that my mom-and-wife- and-woman job requires.
I keep my heart on my sleeve, ready to share.
And if that means that I have to use my sleeve sometimes to wipe the tears that my wide-open heart lets out, so be it.
I don’t like appearing so weak.
But, as a woman, don’t mistake my tears for weakness, for lack of self-control. I assure you that they’re not.
They’re a sign of a different brand of strength.
Strength to KEEP putting my heart out there, when I want to wall it up.
Strength to KEEP caring about the world around me, and KEEP praying for the lost, when I want to go into my own bubble and just “do me.”
Strength to KEEP being “not ok” with how the world around me is right now, and to use that humble, not-ok-in-self state to drive me to constant prayer and petition.
And that is what I’ll teach my daughter:
Tears come and go.
We have little control over them.
But to stop them would mean becoming less sensitive, which is a price not worth the cost.
We don’t have to feel ashamed.
We just have to take a moment to gather ourselves.
To let them empty themselves out.
And then to go to God in prayer,
thank him for the heart he gave us that we wear on our sleeve,
and let him fill us up with joy again.
Tears don’t make us weak.
They’re the lubricant that keeps our heart-gears turning when the world tries to jam it up. ❤️
This is a word God gave me in prayer for someone today that I wanted to share because I believe it applies to so many. (It’s something He has had to free me from too, as I used to suffer from anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts, etc.)
❌Stop claiming these demons by default! ⤵️ {and make no mistake, that is what they are!}
❌Stop saying “my anxiety; my depression; my demons; etc.” — {Yes, I know some Christians who even literally do say “I’m struggling with my demons.” No! You do not own demons! If you have received Jesus info your life, then this is not your inheritance! You have received freedom! For freedom he has set you free so don’t submit to those chains. Don’t accept them! We all do battle with demons but we do not take them into us as residential guests. Don’t accept over yourself what He has given you the power to reject! Reject these things and accept what He has given you— peace, love, joy and a sound mind! ❤️❤️❤️
❌Stop taking them as part of your identity! ➡️Here is your identity, faith friends. Here’s what God says about you! Read it aloud and own THAT. You are His and He is yours!
“But now… listen to the Lord who created you.
…the one who formed you says, “Do not be afraid, for I have ransomed you. ❤️
I have called you by name; ❤️ you are mine. ❤️
When you go through deep waters, I will be with you. ❤️
When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. 🛶
When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up; the flames will not consume you. 💔🔥❤️
For I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior…
Do not be afraid, for I am with you.
I will gather you and your children from east and west.
I will say to the north and south, ‘Bring my sons and daughters back to Israel from the distant corners of the earth.
Bring all who claim me as their God, for I have made them for my glory.
It was I who created them.’
Bring out the people who have eyes but are blind, who have ears but are deaf.
Gather the nations together!
Assemble the peoples of the world!
Which of their idols has ever foretold such things? Which can predict what will happen tomorrow? Where are the witnesses of such predictions? Who can verify that they spoke the truth?
But you are my witnesses! says the Lord. You are my servant.
You have been chosen to know me, believe in me, and understand that I alone am God.
There is no other God— there never has been, and there never will be. I, yes I, am the Lord, and there is no other Savior.
First I predicted your rescue, then I saved you and proclaimed it to the world.
No foreign god has ever done this. You are witnesses that I am the only God, says the Lord.
From eternity to eternity I am God. No one can snatch anyone out of my hand.
Yesterday I had two calls within a half hour of eachother that I did not answer, because they came up “spam risk”.
If it had just been one I would have not thought much of it, but when the second one came up my son asked who it was (probably because I don’t ignore calls often), and I said “Spam risk” and added “of course I’m not answering when it comes up like that.”
Immediately after I said that, I thought to myself that I wish all the thoughts that are presented to our minds came with this kind of label.
You know the ones:
The fears.
The lies.
The attacks on our identities.
The icky thoughts that lie to us about others sometimes.
———
Wouldn’t it be handy if we had a spam-thought filter?!
———
“Ahhh but you do,” He whispered to my heart.
You just have to use it.
And to use it you have to slow down for a moment.
You can’t just “answer any call.”
You can’t just entertain any thought.
You must “… capture rebellious thoughts and teach them to obey Christ.” (from 2 Cor. 10:5)
when these thoughts come in-
think of them as 💥 SPAM- 💥
then use that acronym to remind yourself what to do:
💥 Stop.
💥 Pray.
💥 And
💥 Meditate on the Word.”
His wisdom in this truly stopped me in my tracks.
Who else needs a SPAM filter on their thoughts?
———
“For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.”
“I love you this much” my husband said to me once, when we were dating, as he held his fingers close together like I am doing in the photo below.
“What the heck?!?” was my response, or something like it, if I remember correctly.
And then he proceeded to make a circular motion with the pointer finger of his other hand, as he added “all the way around the world and back.”
Awwww, right?!
❤️☝🏻🌎
Last night God brought this picture to mind again, just when I needed to hear it.
And I think maybe someone reading this needs to hear it too, so I’m sharing.
You see, I love God with ALL of my heart, soul, mind, and strength.
If God were to ask me to demonstrate with my body how much I love Him, I would probably answer like my three year old does when I ask him that question.
I’d open my arms as wide as I possibly could, stand on my tippy toes to make myself as “big” as possible, and stretch as far as I possibly could and I’d say just like my little guy does “Thiiiiiiiisssss Much!”
I don’t often try to demonstrate my love to God with body language like this.
But last night He revealed something to me about myself.
I have, often, tried to prove my love to him by demonstration.
“I love you so much that I’d give up drinking alcohol for you, God.” 🍷
“I love you so much that I’ll give up the job I loved, because you told me to.”
“What do you want me to do, God? How can I show you I love you?? I’ll do anything. I’ll leave any comfort zone!”
And there have been times that He has led me to do some stuff, forgive some people, let go of some things I’d been clinging to, get rid of some “security blankets”, bless someone, listen to and pray for people… but those weren’t demands you see, they were just opportunities that presented themselves, that I followed His lead in love in, and HE poured out love and Truth through me,
He gave me the compassion and forgiveness and love and desire in those moments. They weren’t a trying or a setting out to do something special in order to receive His love. They were demonstrations of his love, overflowing FROM a FULL heart.
But you see I think He has been showing me lately that there has always been, in some measure or other, a separation in my mind between my relationship with Him and my “role” in His Kingdom- my “purpose” in life.
And I think He is showing me that I’ve been trying to make Him proud of me, I’ve been trying to demonstrate my love to Him, by stretching my “fingers”, stretching my “arms”, stretching myself as far as I possibly can—
to reach big and reach wide in intentional, planned works, (and they’re good ones, don’t get me wrong, my intentions were and are good and pure, but my perception of Him and of how He needs to see my love were off.)
I’ve been the three year old saying “Look, daddy! I love you thiiiiiiiissss big! Did you see that? Do you know that? I need to know that you saw it and you felt it. I need to feel that you received it, that someone can understand this love that’s in my heart for you. Did I speak your love language ok, God? Did I love you and people well enough? Did I serve well enough? Did I say the words eloquently enough? Did I spend enough time with you? Am I spending enough time with them? (I feel like I’m falling short somewhere, there’s not enough hours.) Did I hug the ones who needed a hug? Did the happy mail I sent get received with the full measure of love in which I mailed it out? Or did I miss the mark?”
I think one of my biggest issues is fearing “missing the mark.” Falling short. Failing Him. Failing someone else. Having someone else fail to understand me.
And last night he showed me that the times when I lack peace, the times when I feel unsettled, the times when I feel “in limbo”- like the mail, the love, the words have been sent but I’m waiting to see how they’re received- waiting to see if I’ve hit or missed the mark- His heart- I’m lacking in peace and feeling insecure because I’m SELF-conscious. In these moments I’m looking not at Him but at me.
So what He said to me- This visual He gave me- was so simple yet so profound!
“Stop looking at the gap, Daylene.”
“Remember when your hubby first showed you he loved you that much, and you felt really startled, anxious and insecure because you thought he was telling you that this tiny little gap demonstrated all the love he felt between him and you?”
(Mmmm hmmmm. I did remember. But thankfully it didn’t last long before he elaborated and explained it to me… that his love for me was “from one finger, all the way around the world and back again.”)
“Daylene, in his mind the gap didn’t demonstrate the love. The entire world around it did!”
“I want you to hear this….
LOOK AWAY FROM THE GAP.
I LOVE YOU PAST THE HILLS AND VALLEYS, DOWN THE RIVERS, UP THE MOUNTAINS, ACROSS THE OCEANS, PAST THE ATMOSPHERE FARTHER THAN THE MOON & STARS, PAST THE SUN, OUT OF THE GALAXY, AROUND THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE, and back again. And again. And again. Forever! (Like your Toy-Story boys have always said “To infinity and BEYOND! 💫)
My love for you is the “all the way around!”
Stop looking at yourself-
stop looking at our love-
as if there’s a chasm between us
a gap that you have to fill
with your good works.
Understand that I’m the beginning AND the end,
That because you’ve taken Jesus as your Savior, there IS no gap to be filled!
No performance
No proving of our love required by you-
because HE already proved it!
And your part was simply to accept it
and let Him fill in that chasm that once was-
the gap between you and my love.
The gap has FOREVER been filled, Daylene.
There is not a thing you could do to make me love you any more! Infinite is infinite!
There’s not a thing that you or anyone else could fail to do, (outside of not accepting my son) that would make me love you any less. And even then I don’t love them any less, they just don’t get to feel it, because they haven’t allowed Jesus to fill that gap. (Think of an electrical circuit and how energy flows only when the circuit is closed with no gaps.)”
❤️❤️❤️💡💡💡
It was as if the electrical circuit in my mind was closed! The gap in the circuit that I was trying to fill with grind, suddenly connected by a refreshed understanding of grace!
And a new understanding that grace isn’t just a new way of living (vs. grind)- it is also about a mindset! One that gets our eyes off of us and onto HIM!
And when we do that, we become SO FILLED with the current of His overwhelmingly, PURELY UNCONDITIONAL LOVE, that it charges us and our “purpose” (the one besides just being receivers of this love of His) – the outflow of it, through the channel of service and love and giftings we’ve been given—just POURS out! And the worries about who received the overflow and how they receive it — the self-consciousness— are dimmed in the light of HIS love for us!
The SUN {SON} tends to overpower and “blind” us in the best of ways like that!
And when we understand that He loves others this same way too- All our loved ones like our spouses and our kids and all the people we feel responsible to lead to His love…
That He is measuring the love in their relationships with Him, by His Son and NOT by their momentary levels of progress or closeness to the perfection they’ll one day display in Heaven…
That He doesn’t look at their gap and say They’re falling short here here and here. You better teach them how to fill those places in.
NO- Jesus will fill those in. Theirs AND ours. Over time, as we simply walk with Him and do life with Him and Holy Spirit woos us in.
In knowing this we become FREED from the heaviness of “helping them to heaven”… (or getting our own self there.)
Freed to trust God (even with our closest loved ones) to do what only HE can do in them.
To let God be God.
And just be whatever He created us to be in their lives:
Wife. Mom. Daughter. Sister. Aunt. Friend. Youth group leader. Encourager.
But PRIMARILY… FIRST, (so that we CAN flow out)- HIS. Simply His, Beloved.
The other day my mom took my youngest son and my nephew and I to the fair and the shirt she was wearing wasn’t intentional but pretty much sums up the way she loves on people. (Do small things with great love 💕)
To some, a trip to the fair for treats and time spent together and and extra splurge for the special experience of making a stuffed animal might not seem big, but to us it did. Especially to our little guy! He has clung to his “Moosey” constantly since then!
In this season we have been called to make a scary but exciting faith jump into full time unpaid ministry and though I’m mostly excited about it and most days I don’t feel any fear or reservations about it, sometimes I am guilty of wondering if my kids will go without.
I can especially struggle with this when it comes to the little one because experiences that we gave our others when they were little—like trips to the mall to make their own build-a-bears, or vacations to Disney or the beach, or getting one big Christmas gift and some little ones each year, or new clothes instead of hand-me-downs—those things have really changed for us over the past few years, and he hasn’t really experienced them. And it feels a little “uneven”.
The day before my mom surprised us with this “little” (big to us) treat- I had a mini meltdown because we saw a train 🚂 and C said “Can my go on a train?!” And I said “Ohhhh yes! Not that train but maybe this winter we could take you to the train bubby and sissy rode on when they were little!” And then it hit me that we may not have any income by then and I started crying which I’m super embrassed about but I do feel led to be authentic because I’m probably not the only one struggling with feelings like this- whether it’s because of a faith jump or because this economy is leaving someone stretched.
But my husband was with me at the time and he reminded me that this life is so short in the perspective of eternity and the things that feel big (like memories made on a train or a vaca or whatever) will one day seem little when we are in Heaven. And that little blessings now, with gratitude, can seem really big! And he prayed over me for comfort and right-perspective as things in our life get “different.”
But God also has been reminding me that even though I don’t feel like I will have the ability to treat my kids to things, He is their Father too, and HE can.
He has been showing me through loved ones that they will not be without.
That HE will take care of them.
That He will make all grace abound to us through those that love Him and those that love us!
Sometimes when they know a need that is on our hearts – and sometimes even not a need but just a secret wish. A thing we could absolutely remind ourselves that it’s ok to go without.
Like a build a bear at the fair.
Or a watch or a bike “randomly” gifted to our oldest son- by our pastor, and by our neighbor.
Or a bag of corn, or a melon, or steaks and green beans, or zucchini – gifted to us by my mom, and by a friend.
Or a sponsorship to a camp, and retreats— for our kids, and for us.
Or pledges and donations to help feed us physically as we focus our attention on helping feed others spiritually.
Or the friend of our daughter’s whose parents always treat her to ice cream along with their own girls.
Or our pastor who is letting us borrow his truck this weekend so we can still go camping with our camper in the spot we reserved months ago- before our truck gets fixed.
When you’re relying on grace, YOU FEEL the GREAT LOVE in every ”little thing” that someone blesses you with!
Grace is pretty amazing.
So thankful for my mom and all our loved ones.
Tears of gratitude are so much better, and they come more easily these days as I see that EVERYTHING in this life is a gift!
Last night we picked our kids up from youth camp, and-since we got to be there for their last chapel- I had a tearing up moment too as I watched my daughter (who didn’t know that I was there yet or watching her) totally immersed in worship, hands up eyes closed – bold and unashamed, un-self-conscious. 🙌🏻✝️🔥❤️
It took me right back to the moment I was on the beach years ago, praying desperately for a baby and I told God that if He would grant my desire I would see to it that I’d do everything I could to “give my children back to Him”- as in, to help them know who He is and walk with Him.
At that time we were only sporadically going to church even and I had no idea that I could really KNOW God personally. In fact this was the very first time that I had ever asked Him to show me himself- by asking for a sand dollar to show up on the beach if He could hear me and if He would grant me this desire. And He did! I’ve shared the story before and I won’t share it again in length here, but He DID, and it was AMAZING and I KNEW it was Him!
Thirteen years later, I’m watching my twelve year old daughter and my almost fifteen year old son worshiping Him along with some of our other youth group kids which I’ve grown to love, and I’m just taken aback. WOW are you good, God.
Over the years there have been times when I felt like such a failure as a parent, telling God “I don’t know how to ‘give them back to you’- I feel totally inadequate at teaching them about you, so many other parents seem to be doing a much better job of storing the Word in their kids’ hearts.”
In this moment He said to me, “Daylene, I never needed you to ‘give them back’, I only wanted you to give yourself over to me fully and let them watch what happens as you do that…let them SEE it, and FEEL it and be A PART of it.
Let them see you talking to me when you’re afraid of traffic and white-knuckling the steering wheel.
Let them see you crying out to me when you’re grieving and see that though you might have been HARD pressed on every side by pain you were not crushed because you had me helping to hold you up!
Let them see you in the sanctuary with your hands up and your eyes closed and -even in a room full of people where old you would have felt self-conscious, forgetting yourself entirely because you’ve entered in to my presence.
Let them hear you with your headphones on and singing my praises unashamed and at the top of your lungs as you clean the house, or march around the living room in warfare prayer.
Let them see you being prayed over whenever something has you feeling “frozen” in your faith. Ask them to be a part of praying over you, actually, the prayers of our youth a POWERFUL!
Let them see you “unfreezing others” who are struggling, and it doesn’t look like anything fancy- just sitting around the table with a cup of coffee and ears to listen and a mouth to speak and encourage and share testimony. And let them see how people always leave feeling lighter and you always feel more joyful for having been a part of it!
Let them see you accepting help and offering it, even though both involve humbling yourself sometimes.
And let them see—(and this is a different one)—even though they are at the very top of the list of the most important relationships in your life—they’re not first.
As much as it’s normal to make kids our first in life, it’s a place they weren’t designed to hold for us. They can’t handle all the pressure that comes with being MOST needed. How will they ever launch into what God has for their futures if they’re afraid to leave and leave that big of a whole in our hearts?
So give them the gift of being not first but third.
After your personal relationship with Jesus, your heavenly husband.
After your relationship with their dad, your earthly husband.
But yes-a personal relationship with them comes before all the rest- your friendships, your work, even before your service in the church.
(And both of these things can leave you feeling guilty- not putting them first before me or your husband, and not putting service first before family, but don’t let it. It’s MY design-He reminds me- Not a decision you’re making on your own. And having this modeled for them (even though you won’t be perfect at it) will help them have a good foundation for their own lives.)
You can’t give them to me, Daylene, He confides in me. They will have to choose themselves to come to me- for a personal relationship like you have.
Just be mine, beloved. BE LOVED.
Trust that I am God and I’ll pursue their hearts just like I pursued yours.
And in the meantime- keep sharing with them what my voice sounds like, what my leading looks like, and how it always aligns with my Word.
And simply encourage them to pursue me too.
Being patient, at times when the growth seems slow and remembering how it took you awhile too.
And being in awe at times when a growth spurt hits- when the Spirit falls on them- and though they’re so young you can see me doing something that only I can do!
You can see now that my plans for you have always been good. My plans for your kids -and all your “bonus kids” at youth group- are SO good too! ❤️
I gave him a shower this afternoon. (My three year old). But he came home buzzed from Bible school, told us that he graduated from kindergarten 😆 then proceeded to celebrate by sticking his head in a bowl of brownie batter, trying to lick it clean. 😂
So off to the bathroom we went just now. Off with the clothes again, this time for a bath.
As he is stripping down, he hands me this necklace he made tonight. Painted ziti noodles on plastic string, with a “medal of heroes” on it (Yep, that’s his Wreck it Ralph reference.)
I glance down at the message and I start to read the verse out loud to him:
“I am fearfully…”
And he finishes for me
…”and wonderfully made!!”
I looked at my husband and smiled.
“He has no idea just HOW fearfully (and wonderfully) he was made.”
I looked back down at the bathroom floor and saw the hidden laminate crosses.
The ones I first noticed as I sank to the floor, sobbing, as I endured our multiple losses before him.
The crosses that reminded me that even when I was on the floor Jesus was there with me.
That He was holding me. Sobbing with me. Staying with me. Even here.
And when I got pregnant again with C, after four losses in a row, and I sat on this toilet a thousand times, and I was FEARFUL of what I might see- {mothers of miscarriage will understand what I mean}… He held my hand even there, in the most vulnerable of places.
In the delivery room, He was there. My husband holding one hand, My Heavenly Husband, Jesus, holding the other. Until this wonderful little boy emerged and the fear I had also been carrying for ten months fell out of me like afterbirth. And I sobbed tears of joy this time, because the promise I persevered for had finally been delivered.
——
Since then I’ve had a calling…
(I struggled finding that word-
because it’s not a job
and though it’s an honor and a privilege to repurpose my old pain into something that can be used to soothe someone else…
those words make it seem like a pleasant thing, and there’s no pleasure in seeing others endure the same pain I went through.)
The calling has been to help others hold on, just like He did for me.
To help the mommas pregnant after loss persevere through fear, during the forty weeks that feel like they’ll never end, waiting to receive a baby at the end.
To help the mommas on the bathroom floors, heartbroken and hurting, and not wanting to be hard hearted toward God but needing someone to tell them (from experience) that He didn’t do this. And that He is there, crying with them. Already collecting those tears and planning How he will not let them go to waste.
And for the first time I feel what a delivery nurse must feel like, getting to help deliver a life into this world. What an honor.
And for the first time I feel like what a hospice nurse must feel like, sharing in the grief by loved ones left behind as a precious and too-brief life has been delivered out of this world and straight into their eternal home. And that’s an honor too. Not because I want it to be necessary, but because it is. And it’s something that only one who has been through it can properly handle and understand.
And tonight I feel extra thankful for both:
That I get to be the momma of the messy little boy in the bathtub who made the noodle-note reminder.
And that God redeemed my mess, so I could be a truly empathetic shoulder for mommas currently crumpled on the bathroom floor.
Pointing them back to Him.
Reminding them- That THEY are fearfully and wonderfully made. And that their story isn’t over yet. He didn’t write this chapter, but He is still redeeming the messy parts.
From Full 