Last week an old craving re-emerged for me.
I wanted to get away.
Just like an overnight holiday trip with my family— nothing big.
But I knew it wouldn’t work with our schedule at the time.
And I also am in touch enough with my emotions to know that there was likely something 𝒹ℯℯ𝓅ℯ𝓇 that I was craving a getaway from.
One of the mornings— when the desire peaked and I felt extra emotional—
I took the kids to school, came home, and crawled back into bed for a minute.
Not to sleep, but I told God I just need to feel held for a minute.
I just needed to know what my problem was.
“Why am I passing out in the living room at 7pm, and then still feeling exhausted in the morning?”
“Why can’t I find my joy for the upcoming holidays — when I’ve still been talking to You, my Jesus?”
And then He showed me that it was GRIEF.
And to be honest I’m so sick of grief, you guys.
Losing my dad 4 Thanksgivings/Christmases ago.
My brother 2 Thanksgivings/Christmases ago.
& Grandpa before both of them.
& Our many lost babies in our season of miscarriage.
I think I’ve just wanted to skip past grief and go right into holiday mode this year.
✨ Right into the glitter. ✨
But it doesn’t work that way.
And that is what He showed me on this particular day.
He said- it’s like a loop- the calendar 🗓️ is.
It’s like there’s a tunnel
you MUST travel through,
again and again,
if you’re going to get to the lights
on the other side.
The good thing is, when the grief isn’t as fresh (which also makes me feel sad/guilty), it doesn’t take AS long to get through the tunnel.
But skipping it will stop me from seeing the lights in this season.
My body apparently knew that,
and that was why I had been so tired.
So I let Him walk me through the grief I’m still carrying for lost loved ones. 🫶
Then the grief of missing past seasons.
(Because death isn’t the only sort of grief we carry, you know.)
So I grieved the passing of the past.
Seasons when my older two were younger.
Seasons of their wonder.
Guilt that I’d even be grieving over them at all yet because they’re still home…
and they’re great kids.
It’s just I think we can get sentimental for seasons. 🫶
And that’s ok.
He is showing me that admitting it and processing it is the way to get past it and into joy for the current season.
I couldn’t rush through this process,
so I followed His prompting to stay there,
held, for awhile.
I had a long list of things to do,
but His plans for the day were to help me get through this first.
So that I could be freed from just going through the motions.
(There’s a memorable nugget to hold onto:
If you process your emotions,
you can enjoy the holidays instead of just going through the motions. 🕯️)
After a few hours I felt much better.
I could literally feel weight lifted off me.
None of this is new to me.
I have done a lot of soul work,
and thoroughly unpacked my grief before.
What I didn’t realize— that was surprisingly freeing— is this may be a YEARLY step that I need to do…
To unpack any grief again like I’m pulling it out with the decorations. 🎄
Let Him teach me things
about life
and love
𝓉𝒽𝓇ℴ𝓊ℊ𝒽 it.
Let Him clean me off again.
(Here, I got a vision of an earring hole.
The hole (of loss) is going to stay.
The glitter- the earring-
the ability to empathize
and love even more deeply—
goes there.
The good shining through bad.
But- even when grief is no longer
a fresh wound,
it still needs to be cared for.)
I think He was showing me that I need to learn to incorporate a “day of unpacking of emotions” with Him each year, before I start the unpacking of boxes 📦 to decorate.
And now that I know that-
I can oddly look forward to it?
As a new and meaningful tradition.
A way I can honor the past,
and then enjoy the present.
Like they did so often in their long holiday processes in Bible times.
Immediately after this unpacking,
fresh ideas began flowing for ways I could surprise and delight my husband and kids this year.
Of course Christmas is not all about that.
But part of the joy IS!
Making new memories!
Finding the beauty in the gift of the present!
Being engaged instead of needing an escape!
I’m so grateful that God is a friend who knows me better than I know myself,
and is willing to explain things to me
in a way I can understand. ❤️
And you know what?
It’s the first time in several years that I 𝓈𝒶𝓋ℴ𝓇ℯ𝒹 unpacking my holiday decorations and putting them out again. 🥰
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