My “On This Day” memories today reminded me of an episode two years ago, when we were at Kohl’s to get some clothes for our son. We had told our daughter that her turn would be soon, and she had said she was ok with waiting. (She always has more clothes than the rest of us put together I think!)
In the checkout, when she came up to me with $10 in Starbucks gift cards and her wallet, and told me she wanted to buy them for me, I told her thanks but that’s ok. I wanted her to save her money to buy something she wanted. And I would take her out for a coffee date, but I would pay. She didn’t have to.
All of a sudden the tears started falling.
It made absolutely no sense to my husband or to me.
“You don’t even like Starbucks, sweet girl.” (She didn’t, at the time. She really does now!)
“Are you really ok that we are getting your brother clothes today and waiting on yours until next month?”
“Did I say ‘no thank you’ in a hurtful tone? I don’t think I did. I appreciate your generosity.”
“What did I do?”
“Nothing. You didn’t do anything. I’m fine. It’s fine.”
But the tears kept flowing.
I wasn’t sure what to make of it.
She didn’t look fine. But she didn’t want to talk about it. So we finally just let her be and ten minutes later she really was fine. She understood. But her emotions had a mind of their own. And THAT was what was most frustrating to her!
Boy have I been there.
Like the very next morning.
Laying in bed, scratching my hubby’s back. Having a perfectly peaceful moment and then one little thing pricked a hole in my emotions and the tears started oozing out.
“Are you crying?” he asked me. “What did I do?”
“No. You didn’t do anything. I’m fine. It’s fine.”
(Sounds familiar, huh?)
And he really didn’t.
Dang those tears.
I wish they would obey my desires but they don’t.
They come flooding out whenever they wish to.
Sad moments, happy moments, frustrating moments.
Moments of overwhelm and moments of intense joy alike.
Sometimes they make sense and sometimes they don’t.
And always, despite my better judgment and my will to hold them back, still they flow.
The best gift my hubby can give me when this happens is a simple hug.
A squeeze of the hand.
An “are you ok?”, followed by a simple change of subject when I assure him that I am.
Trusting that I’ll be honest when I’m not.
And just like that, the tears leave as quickly as they came on.
Emotions make no sense at all sometimes.
But, to not have them I would have to harden my heart. So I’ll take them in stride, knowing they are just a part of the softness that my mom-and-wife- and-woman job requires.
I keep my heart on my sleeve, ready to share.
And if that means that I have to use my sleeve sometimes to wipe the tears that my wide-open heart lets out, so be it.
I don’t like appearing so weak.
But, as a woman, don’t mistake my tears for weakness, for lack of self-control. I assure you that they’re not.
They’re a sign of a different brand of strength.
Strength to KEEP putting my heart out there, when I want to wall it up.
Strength to KEEP caring about the world around me, and KEEP praying for the lost, when I want to go into my own bubble and just “do me.”
Strength to KEEP being “not ok” with how the world around me is right now, and to use that humble, not-ok-in-self state to drive me to constant prayer and petition.
And that is what I’ll teach my daughter:
Tears come and go.
We have little control over them.
But to stop them would mean becoming less sensitive, which is a price not worth the cost.
We don’t have to feel ashamed.
We just have to take a moment to gather ourselves.
To let them empty themselves out.
And then to go to God in prayer,
thank him for the heart he gave us that we wear on our sleeve,
and let him fill us up with joy again.
Tears don’t make us weak.
They’re the lubricant that keeps our heart-gears turning when the world tries to jam it up. ❤️
From Full 