Have you ever felt like your world was falling apart and blamed God for it?
I have.
I can remember our last miscarriage, the last of our five losses. I was SURE I had heard Him tell me to try again for that baby, and I had put my heart on the line. And there I was again- broken-hearted in the ultrasound room, hearing the words “There is no heartbeat.” 💔 Four words I heard five times, that crushed me. Crushed our family.
That last time was by far the WORST because I had been following God. I had been trying my best to be a good Christian. And to have faith. And I didn’t understand. Actually- I tried to go further into faith and believe that God could and would resurrect my dead baby in my womb. I refused a D&C. I contacted all of my faith-warrior friends, and I told them my crazy-faith resurrection prayer, asking them to agree with me, combine their prayers with mine. And I went to that appointment, expecting to see my miracle and I didn’t get it that day. Not only wasn’t there a heartbeat, but my body had already begun the natural process of breaking down the remains.
I remember sitting in my car, all alone and ANGRY. REALLY REALLY ANGRY. I had done everything right this time, I thought. I had decided that if He wanted me to have another baby I would have one- I would allow myself to get my hopes up again. I had declared in faith despite my fears and doubts. I had dug in and held right to those faith declarations even when it looked like- and really was-over. And yet it looked like He hadn’t shown up for me. And I was PISSED. It didn’t make sense. If He was a good God, how could He let this happen again? And How could I keep telling people He is a good God- How could I encourage anyone else- if it appeared in my own life, that my faith was foolish and that there were no results? I asked Him all these things. More like yelled them at Him, cried them at Him hysterically as I beat my steering wheel over and over until my hands were numb. Not sure how I was going to drive home and tell my husband and our kids- again.
And He didn’t get mad at me. He sat there and absorbed all my anger into Himself. I could feel His presence. Like a child having an “it’s not fair” fit but also being held by their parent, quieted, stilled, understood, empathized with.
And then He spoke four more words, over those four heartbreaking ones I had just heard.
“IT’S NOT OVER YET.”
“What do you mean, God? I don’t understand! How can you say it’s not over? The baby is literally GONE from my womb. Nothing left. That promise you made- what happened? Where do I even go from here?”
But I heard nothing else.
I only felt that He was still there.
Him being there didn’t change the fact that I had to go through grief.
That journey is heart-wrenching, even with Him.
He doesn’t say that we won’t go through hard things in this sin-polluted, environmentally-impure, crazy, temporal world.
In fact, He warns us that we will.
In hopes that, when we do, we won’t run from Him and blame Him as if He allowed us to be blind sighted by not telling us in advance that bad things may happen.
And He promises us, that if we will cling to Him-
If we will raise Him up in our hearts, hold onto Him, lean into Him in the hard times instead of throwing Him out of our hearts, pushing him away, or pulling away because we are mad and it’s not fair- He will heal our hearts, in the end. He Himself will go ahead of us and personally lead us through ALL the hard parts of this life, as well as the good ones (those too, are better with a friend), and into our eternal, perfect lives in Heaven when our earthly chapter is over.
—
“After I am raised up, I will go ahead of you, leading the way…”
Years later, I can finally look back – without the freshness of those losses, and with the fullness of heart He has given me – and share my testimony without shedding painful tears.
Our rainbow baby did arrive, as promised, after another season of waiting.
After I raised Him up and truly decided in my heart that whether He blessed me with one or not – and knowing He had already blessed me with the two I had, along with all the other blessings in my life – I was living life for HIM, finding my highest joy in life from HIM, and neither a yes nor a no was going to change that.
Looking back I can see He was allowing me to learn- that my works couldn’t save me, even trying to work up my faith in Him and to believe for the impossible. That faith helped me continue on instead of resigning, yes, but even that was a gift from Him. Miracles come from Him. Comfort comes from Him. Joy comes from Him. Even the ability to have faith itself comes from Him and is found when we kneel in front of Him in thanks-giving and praise. I get to spend my life enjoying being a wife and mother and all the other roles I’m in, but my identity – my highest joy – my deepest security – is in Him. And without that, even if I had gotten my miracle but didn’t learn that important eternal Truth, personally, I wouldn’t be as joyful in my life as I am today. I’d take all my blessings for granted. Or I’d obsess fearfully about how I’d feel if I ever lost them.
Looking back, I can see how from the moment I raised Him up to that number one place in my heart, and laid all of my broken pieces before him, feeling dead, defeated, and just done- asking Him to take it over because I just couldn’t anymore…He did. He went right to work, planning and putting pieces into place, and more importantly- speaking to me and putting my heart back together in Him.
He went ahead of me and led the way through my whole pregnancy after loss.
He did the same when I came to the end of myself and raised Him up in my work and in my marriage. He goes ahead of us, leading the way.
And He still goes before me, everyday.
He asks that I share that and not just keep it to myself. Which I couldn’t anyway. He’s too good not to share!
So that’s what I’m doing today.
I’m putting this out there again.
I’m pausing from enjoying the moments with the now-three-year-old miracle, to pass on these words that someone else needs to hear:
They’re out of the original context, in Mark 14:27-28. But they’re true to His character. And He tends to use Words to teach things that SO MUCH MORE than just for that moment.
When you feel like your world is falling apart and that it’s His fault- remember to raise Him up in your heart – so He can comfort you, show you the real Truth, who the real enemy is, why bad things happen in this world, how it breaks His heart too, how it broke His heart so much that He sent His son to go ahead of us in death and pave our way to eternal life where the enemy will NOT be present and we will never have to go through these things again.
My heart hurts for everyone who is hurting right now.
There are so many hard things going on in this world.
I can feel His love for you.
I can feel His pain for you- not only what you’re going through, which He grieves more than you can imagine…
but also the pain of a parent whose children blame Him and run from Him and think He’s stood by and done nothing…
not realizing that it’s not His fault,
and that He’s given EVERYTHING to make it better,
but that takes time – and listening – and leaning in – to understand
which is why the enemy is working so hard not just to hurt you because he likes inflicting pain, but he also likes to bury you in busy, make you shut your eyes and ears off to God in anger and run away from Him- because he knows, as much as that first hurt killed you and torments you, whatever it was- shutting God out is what leads to the second and final, eternal torment and death.
Don’t let the enemy – the devil- continue to abuse you. ⚔️ Open the Bible- the letter from the One you think is to blame. You’ll find for yourself that He isn’t. And you’ll find LIFE and abundant healing in learning, really taking to heart, how He’s given His whole life for you. How – even when the enemy tries to hurt you and mess up God’s plans for you (the devils’s goals are to steal kill and destroy) – God keeps working to give back, heal, and mend. And that restoration work will be completed one day in Heaven, if you’ll just stick with Him. Which is not a passive thing, it’s very active. (We as believers even do better with a tribe of people helping us to keep holding on to Him. So find a Jesus-loving tribe and hold on tight to Him together!)
It is vital.
Keep holding on. Help people keep holding on.
Things may look bad in this world- but-
IT’S NOT OVER YET. ❤️
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