Deflated. That’s how I had been feeling lately and I didn’t know why. But people are seeing it and starting to ask me. I’m embarrassed that my “light is off” but I’m not controlling any switch.
Life is fine. It’s good! I’m a lucky girl.
There are people I miss, for sure, waiting for me in heaven. But there are people right here- my husband, my kids, my mom, my siblings and nieces and nephews, other family and friends…and I am blessed. That’s not it.
We’ve had more, but we’ve also had less.
That’s not what it is.
Me- “Why do I feel so ‘off’ lately, Jesus??” I asked Him.
“You miss me.”
Me-“Miss you? I’ve been in the church more than ever before. We have sometimes been there 3 or 4 nights in a week. I love it, I’m not complaining. But that can’t be it.”
“I didn’t say you missed the church. I said you miss ME…. Remember how you used to just sit with me and ask me questions and write them down, and then I’d answer them and you’d write those down too? You filled up notebooks with our conversations, just like you and your husband (then-boyfriend) used to do in high school before texting was a thing…”
Me- “Oh yeah. 🥰 I DO miss that! Those were some great times. But I haven’t had as much time lately. I’ve been out doing the things you told me you had for me to do, when we were sitting there together. Remember? People need to know you’ve risen, that you’re coming back! When they come into the family, someone’s gotta make sure they’re connecting. And staying connected. That they have events to come to. That they’re being fed. I love you and you said in the Bible that if I love you, I should feed your sheep remember?”
“Yes, but you’re not pausing long enough to let me properly feed you. You’re my sheep too. 🐑 I miss our time. I miss filling you. And that feeling you’ve been feeling that you (sheepishly 😉) came to me about just now- you’re having that feeling because you miss me filling you too. You’ve been coming to me like a drive through. I want you to come eat a sit-down meal. A five-course feast. I need you to start eating again, you’ll feel better in no time.”
So that’s what I did.
The last few days I took time to enjoy Him
as if all the other responsibilities didn’t exist.
I got to them after, of course.
But for awhile I just sat and drank in His presence.
I went on a praise walk.
Outside in the wind,
sun on my face,
eyes mostly closed,
hands in the air not caring who might see me because I’m reaching up to Him to be held,
without shame for needing that-
even when it seems so many other of his babies need held more.
He showed me that I am better at coming to Him when either I feel desperate or deserving.
(Though I never am deserving.)
He showed me that I’ve been looking around and seeing all the people who are going through desperate times right now, and determining that they need His time more (as if it were limited!)
He showed me that I’ve been looking at the unsaved and the responsibility to feed them, but then trying to figure out how to supply the food myself… and determining that I can’t. (Like the disciples when they said we don’t have enough food for all these people!) Forgetting that it’s HE who provides.
Jesus was good to show me exactly what’s been going on with me, but He also loves me enough not to leave me there. Sometimes we have to feel the “drowning” feeling before we reach out to Him for help. But I think He’d rather we reach out, always, so we never get that feeling to begin with.
I think He’s teaching me to come to Him always to get filled- DEEPLY- because I need it as much when life is ordinary as I do when it’s overwhelming.
Today, on day 3 of my refresh, I turned on praise music as I cleaned the house- and that old feeling has been back. I can sense Him with me. The lightness. The joy. The fellowship. It feels as if He’s cleaning with me. And as I notice that I stop and smile.
My eyes come to rest on this friendship bread starter on my counter that my friend had delivered to me.
I remember how I had been scrolling Pinterest for dinner ideas a few days before that, and thought about how fun it would be to start one of those. But I had forgotten. Who has time for that?
I had laughed and told her about it when she texted me to ask if I wanted one.
In this moment, though, I realized just how present Jesus had been the whole time. Even when I was quiet. Even when I was not as tuned in to Him.
He was still listening.
He was still working behind the scenes to catch my attention. To call me back to Him. To surprise and delight me!
As I looked at the bread starter today and delighted in Him this morning, wondering how long it would take to begin to rise, He said to me- “I have risen.”
Me- “Thank God! I’m so glad you’ve risen. Easter is this weekend and that’s been on my heart.”
“I’m also STILL RISING.”
Me- “Huh?”
“I’m STILL RISING. The “dough” has been separated like friendship starts. There’s enough for EVERYONE. It doesn’t run out. I’m not limited. I keep going and going, making new “starts” in people’s lives as you share me, but I’m still plenty for you too!”
Me- “ 😮 How long have you had this lesson prepared? 😍”
“ 🥖 Keep eating your bread, Daylene. I love you. I promise it won’t ever run out. Stay filled. I will full-fill your purpose through you. You’re not doing it for me. You’re embracing what I’ve done for you, and you’re letting me work through you. But take a breath. We’re doing it together. Just like your housework. And that’s so much better, isn’t it? It makes it light. It turns the light in you back on. 💡”
This Easter weekend I wanted to share that personal conversation Jesus and I had.
In case anyone else needs their light turned back on too.
He has risen. YES!
He’s also STILL RISING!
He’s raising my Spirit. And yours. And anyone’s who will let Him in!
And when He comes back there will be the feast of all feasts! Can you imagine?! A party He’s been preparing for over 2,000 years!!!
I thought the lesson He had prepared over a week or so was amazing. The goodness of it brought me to my knees. I imagine I’ll fall flat on my face over His awesomeness when He comes back!
🥖 Anyone need a “friendship bread start?”
Need to be introduced to Jesus?
He’ll be the best by far that you’ve ever Had!
From Full 