Walking by faith isn’t always comfortable.
It doesn’t at all feel natural.
Dare I say? It can be downright awful-
if we are focusing on the l•a•c•k of sight.
When the promise we are having faith for –
and whether or not we will receive it /
when we will receive it –
has an impact upon every other area of life…
the pressure of the desert
(the in-between Egypt and the Promised Land)
can be parching.
Somehow, even if we just had a “drink”,
we can feel desperate,
because we KNOW that out here- in this place-
we could not get another for ourself
even if we wanted to.
It’s all in God’s hands.
And our flesh doesn’t like being starved of power and control like that.
But on the flip-side of this we must remember-
When WE become less able to control,
it helps us SEE the NEED for Him and His help.
When we think we have it all figured out ourselves,
we don’t usually see the need to pray about direction. We just keep doing what we are doing.
So when God wants to change our direction, our location, what is often required first?
The removal of the “I got this” illusion.
When we are in a season like this-
disorientation is inevitable.
But the choice about how to
re-orient, re-position, re-secure
Is intentional.
We can
run back
run away / escape
because change is just too uncomfortable
Or- if we believe His promises
that where He is taking us is better –
closer to Him-
we can escape the pain
of the parching desert in-between-period
by running into His arms.
Having our thirst, our spiritual unrest,
met in His presence.
Letting him assure us – as often as needed-
that HE is still in control.
That even if we don’t know
where we are going together,
or how we will get there,
or when we will arrive…HE knows.
And we can be made glad and satisfied,
satiated even-
by his presence, not by our progress.
We can’t let what we see make us forget what He said.
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Let me give you a few personal examples of this
1️⃣ When we were praying for baby number 3.
God knows everything beginning to end.
I will never understand this side of heaven- and maybe not even when I get there- the whys and hows and losses in all of our waiting, all of our back and forth I want another or I’m afraid to have another or I’m afraid to want another because I don’t know if I can handle heartbreak again.
All I know is that at one point the discomfort of the decision on whether to open ourselves up to having a third baby or not grew so intense that I begged God to just take that decision from me. And I couldn’t- no matter how I tried or prayed or begged him to take that desire away because I was afraid and I didn’t see how it was going to happen- I couldn’t find peace with making a permanent decision to be done.
Looking back, it’s the messiest story, what I went through and even some of the chaos I caused, walking by feelings and by sight in some moments, while trying my best to walk in faith.
But God is so good.
And in that waiting period,
even though I was NOT patient-
even though I sometimes escaped into works and into things like vacations which made the sights more pleasant-
God was faithful.
Through Egypt,
through the desert,
and into the promised land chapter
where my baby was placed into my hands.
That moment was pure grace,
and I cannot boast one bit about it.
Every single bit was God!
I had tried- before-to deserve it.
But the season before Callen came,
in the stillness, I resigned to trying –
to earn or be worthy of His blessing.
I told Him I could see that I probably DIDN’T deserve it. And that if his answer was no, my mind would understand, but I needed help getting my heart to let go.
But I was also willing to give up control- as much as I didn’t want to risk hurting again- so that if a miracle baby would bring Him glory- would help grow our family’s faith, would help us have a testimony that we could share, that’s what I wanted. And again- I’d need help- mind and heart both- to get through the desert and into the moment when our promise would be born.
I don’t know why human nature fights so hard.
Why do we flail around trying to secure ourselves?
Why do we think we have to handle things?
We do we think that it’s a matter of being victorious in the flesh, that decides whether or not we will get in to our promised lands?
I have a different theory now.
God takes us through the desert to die (to self).
Shocking right?
It’s not a matter of what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger- it’s a matter of, how long will we TRY to be stronger and fight his killing-of-the-flesh work? How long will it take us to surrender,
and say “I’m out, God.” “I don’t want anything more than I want you, and here you are-already here- so whatever you want me to have, give it to me for your glory- only to grow our faith and help us have a testimony to share. And whatever you don’t want us to have, just take the desire away- help our minds and our hearts grieve and let go of those dreams, and find solace and satisfaction in you.
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2️⃣ For years I’ve had hints of a vision of my husband and I working together to gather people and serve God.
Now that might not sound “impossible” to you,
but in all reality it made no sense.
First of all, I am an introvert by nature-
there was a time that I did not like small talk let alone deep talk with others. I did not like crowds. And the idea of hosting a gathering gave me hives.
There was also the fact that we had just decided since we got married so young and were so busy with life- work, kids, repeat every day- that we had no time to gather even if we wanted to. And to be honest- when it came to church, for many years, we simply didn’t want to. We felt like spending our “free day” other places.
Fast forward through all our infertility issues, and my faith walk through leaving a regular job to work a commission-based job at home, and I had grown a real relationship with Jesus- out of necessity. Both of those were deserts and “drinks” were fewer and farther between than I needed, and in order to get through – literally- I had to call upon Him for help. When Callen was born, I was so grateful and so in awe of how possible the impossible is for HIM, that I no longer cared so much about any other dream- I only wanted to go where He wanted me to go and share His glory wherever that is.
But my hubby wasn’t there just yet.
And I’ll be honest- the next steps God brought us through were incredibly messy and risky. Me leaving even that commission job (which put more work stress on my husband), but being guided by God to take more time for Brett (which is his love language)- and I won’t pretend at all to understand it but perhaps this helped him see that being filled in love can cover up alot of icky emotions like anxiety.
But-and here’s the part where it could have gone very wrong- God brought us to a place where either the relationship was going to die, or we- as individuals- fighting for our own visions were.
I asked God to help me love Brett enough, to give him my time, even when I didn’t feel loved because he wasn’t speaking my love language (words of affirmation)…
If you’re fighting for your marriage,
this is what you have to ask of God—
the ability to give grace
(what we view as undeserved favor)
and unconditional love and respect
(meaning whether it’s reciprocated or not)— because on our own WE CANNOT.
And it’s at this very “I just can’t anymore, I don’t have one bit left” point- where most will call it quits.
But when we call upon God instead, even though it doesn’t make it easy, HE makes extending grace and unconditional love possible.
And that is what changes people, changes relationships… but not overnight.
It’s kind of like a pregnancy,
it’s a process,
the birth of a new relationship.
And not knowing this-
Expecting things to change overnight,
or in a month even,
is what sets many up for failure too.
I saw something once that suggested however long we had been struggling on our own, we need to commit to giving unconditional love with God’s help for AT LEAST that long, before we even consider throwing in the towel. Which meant- at that point in my marriage- committing to FIFTEEN YEARS- “Even if it takes FIFTEEN YEARS, God, of me spending time with Brett even when he doesn’t affirm me or want to talk about what I want to talk about (which is You)… I’ll keep trusting you.”
Thank God it didn’t take 15 years! It took less than one. But it was insanely hard. It would’ve been impossible without daily and momentary filling in Him, because I felt emptied of myself more than I can even share.
But- just like my pregnancy with C,
the moment I saw my husband in the “delivery room”- receiving the Holy Spirit and getting freed from things that had been killing his soul, it was ALL worth it!
And just like a baby, a toddler, doesn’t come without challenges, and changes other areas of life in ways you couldn’t have anticipated but is also full of JOY and every bit WORTH IT, that’s what this new life is like too.
Not a once-and-forever filled, but a daily commitment. A daily blessing AND a daily requirement to die to our own “individual” selves.
After C was born I wanted to shout from the rooftops- “Don’t buy the lie that you have to give up if you’ve been trying for years…or that continuing to try will be easy…but know that God is REAL and GOOD and can do the impossible and when He does, deserves 100% of the glory!
After my husband was delivered it has been the same! Seeing Him freed has been even better than being freed myself, and it’s also freeing me -as part of a couple too- to now believe for God’s together-plans for us.
And even though that is also a process, and our flesh is trying to figure out what His next step for us is, and make sense of it, and yet we can’t, because in the natural none of it makes sense— we are remembering his past goodness and asking Him to help us cling on His promises more tightly than our own “right” to set our plans.
He has already shown us that HIS plans for us were always much better than our own, in the past, and by faith and His Presence, in the present- we will keep surrendering with His help-until we can SEE everything He has spoken.
Don’t buy the lie that “dead marriage” has to mean DONE, friends, or that it’s out of His hands. Place your dead marriage in His hands and ask Him to do what only He can do – resurrect! And help you cooperate, even when that feels like dying to yourself. Because – just like childbirth is painful – in the long run, it is infinitely more than worth it!
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