It doesn’t quite feel like Christmas Eve to me today.
And I don’t know how I feel about that.
All the hope I used to wrap up in a holiday, has already been opened bit by bit throughout the year. ❤️ Which is wonderful- but also- anticlimactic, dare I say it?
It’s the strangest feeling-
being both entirely grateful for the gift of Jesus,
but also having this ingrained-by-culture expectation, of a few days that feel particularly remarkable.
Traditions carried on, despite the fact that some loved ones are gone- both a comfort, because part of them remains, but also causing conflict in my soul, as I wrestle with the reality we must all face at times;
That yes-
the world,
and my family
would
and would have to-
go on,
even if I weren’t in it.
And thus, also wrestling with the question-
Does anything I do even matter, anyway?
Is it lasting?
As I wrestle with these feelings inside,
at first I don’t even know what’s going on with me.
To others I may seem listless. Distant. Pouty.
My husband detects those things in me
before I even do.
And I deny them-
not in a lying kind of way,
but because I truly don’t even know.
All I know is that I want to keep moving.
Going all the places. Seeing all the things.
Busying myself.
“Why do you always want to be busy?” he asks me.
“I don’t. I just don’t want to sit here doing nothing.”
And I didn’t know why.
Until I went to the grocery store.
Silently I walked down the aisles, observing.
Not even knowing what I wanted to buy,
except milk.
Watching people and faces as they pass by me.
Some hurried.
Some not.
Finding myself wondering about their lives-
Would they be gathering with families?
Did any of them not have families?
Thanking God that I do have family left,
and asking Him to help me cheer up for them.
It’s not their fault I’m struggling today.
Heck- I didn’t even know I was until just now.
As I go to pay, I remember that I had put pieces of Christmas candy in my purse, with “Jesus loves you” labels on them- to pass out when prompted by the Spirit. One remained.
“Who should I give it to?” I asked Him.
No chance seemed opportune.
So I shrugged it off, and walked out the door.
Stuck a bit of change in the bucket as the ringers dinged their bells.
Smiled my best intentional smile and wished the gentleman a Merry Christmas without taking the time to make eye contact.
Thanking God for the good in the world- like bell ringers- and charities- and yet, change was all I really had in that moment, not the capacity to start conversation.
As I walked out the door, I heard him call out “God is still in control!” And my heart leapt! A God-wink if I ever heard one. It was like God used his mouth to say that for me, even though by then I’d already gotten out the door.
Smiled a smaller, but for-real smile all the way there, get ready to put my groceries in my cart, and heard the Spirit prompt: “The candy. Take it to him. That’s the one.”
And so I do. Before even unloading my groceries, I go back in and say “I’ve been passing these out and have one left. I was praying for who to give it to and God said you. So I came back.”
He took it gratefully, and repeated, gesturing down at the sweatshirt I had made, intentionally, but threw on without even thinking that day, (in fact, if my laundry had been done I’d have worn a Christmassy one, but it was perfect that I didn’t) — “God is still in control!”
Realizing that it was my shirt that had inspired his declaration, I smiled bigger. “Yes He is!” I agreed.
“More people need to know that,” he said.
I smiled and walked back to my car.
“Yes they do,” I thought.
“But also- I needed to be reminded of it- AGAIN- too.”
I originally started making these shirts to bless others. But I guess it’s true- you can’t bless others without yourself being blessed.
Thanks, God, for encouraging me,
and meeting me right where I was at-
In the grocery store.
And also in the busyness that I (unconsciously) was burying myself in to keep my heart from feeling
the things that I’m not in control of.
Control. Maybe that’s what it was.
I was feeling out of control.
And God reminded me that that’s ok-
because HE is still in control.
He’s got me.
Anyone else feeling like this?
The world is nuts.
Feelings are nuts.
Life can be a big tin of mixed nuts.
But it’s ok.
He’s got you too, friend. ❤️
Handing over the control I didn’t even know I was holding onto, feels surprisingly good.
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