This past week my husband had been sick, and I had been pouty.
Not on purpose, of course.
It’s just- when we are sick we aren’t ourselves.
And even when someone else is going above and beyond to care for us, sometimes we can’t see past our own needs to remember that their need for care didn’t come to a complete halt when ours increased.
Lately in our marriage we have been in a better place of give and take.
Me, aiming to give him quality time which is his love language, and him- aiming to make part of that time together available for me to just talk my heart out, and be affirmed by him, because words of affirmation are my biggest love language.
{It’s why I write. It helps me process and digest God’s love. And sharing it here, for me, feels like passing that love on in the way I best know how.}
But when one of us is sick, or something comes up, or we get too busy, our normal routines, our “fruits” of love that we aim to share with one another can go out the window.
And when fruit flies out the window, what normally happens? Somewhere, there’s a splatter.
That’s kind of how my heart felt by Thursday, when we were supposed to go on a date.
Truthfully, I wasn’t really feeling it either in the moment, but thought we should probably go anyway, to invest in our relationship. Especially since by that point I thought he was feeling much better. {Clarification, in this paranoid time, it wasn’t COVID. 😉 It’s a gut issue he deals with from time to time.}
But when I asked him if we should get ready to go, and he bluntly said no, that was the “splatter” point for me. I came undone. {Looking back I can see that he wouldn’t understand how hurtful it felt, because his love language isn’t words. To him, he was only answering my question. But to me, it felt like a knife in the heart. Like “Really?! I’ve been offering my time (his love language) to you all week, checking on you, asking often how you’re feeling, praying for you (my love language, words). And you aren’t even appreciating it? This is the thanks I get?”
{Part of sharing whatever God asks me to, and being an open book isn’t pretty. This is one of those post-parts that I truly hate to share. But what happens next is what makes it worth it.}
So- I go outside, looking to self-soothe on a walk. Knowing that even though my hubby is usually a good comforter, when the source of my upset is anything other than him…but that when the tension is between us {and even in those other instances}, my HEAVENLY Hubby – Jesus – is always there, wanting to help.
He’s our eternal partner, comforter, you know?
And we don’t have to wait until eternity to experience his personal presence.
He wants us to learn to walk in that now.
So- we literally went on a walk, Jesus and I.
Him not physically beside me, but spiritually present through the HS so that I could palpably feel Him.
Like a friend venting to a friend, a spouse venting to a spouse, I started to vent to him.
Jesus, I have been doing my best, and I did snap, I know, I need to ask for his forgiveness, but I need my hubby to love on me too.
Even before this week, it’s been a bit “off.”
We haven’t had regular dates like we agreed we should.
His kisses have been short.
Our conversations have been shallow.
And – you know what- this is so random, but I REALLY miss hearing him play his guitar.
It brings me such peace and joy and rootedness in you, when he gives me that gift of live music in our home (that I don’t have, I am not melodic myself).
It soothes my soul.
Especially when it’s a faith song, because I can sense that He is getting rooted in you too and that makes me feel even more secure.
Holy Spirit translated Jesus’s message back to me- in my soul:
It’s ok. I know. I became/am human too you know?
{Along with still being fully God of course.}
I did that so I could understand…REALLY UNDERSTAND.
And I feel this way too anytime someone (including you), lets life and busyness and all the things come between us, so that the love is muffled.
That’s the deeper issue, you know?
Your hubby’s love is a good bonus, but you’ve been a bit busier yourself lately.
You’re missing your time with ME, even more than with him.
And this isn’t in a guilting-way I’m saying this. It’s nothing but grace. You’ve been taking care of our Home, I know. Our family. My people. It’s all good work, and you’re doing it for me. But- let’s get away for “dates” more often, shall we? I think you really need that.
Step 1- Let Jesus soothe me and fill me, so that I can go back home and serve. ✔️
He has shown me to do this over the past several years of our walk together.
He lets me vent.
Then he reminds me, to get into gratitude and Thanksgiving for HIM.
It helps me enter into his presence and meets the need by helping me tune into Him.
That’s where I find his words. {My love language needs are met.}
He brings up verses from the Bible- like pieces of love letters and guidance written personally to me {and you} long before we were ever born, knowing that we would need them.
Because he is amazing like that!
Then we move into intercession. He reminds me to re-center the issue. To think the best of the person I’m venting to him about. To ask him to help me see if from their viewpoint, and from His, so I’m not stuck in my own language and limited perspective.
Jesus is such a good, Truth-filled friend.
He IS Truth, friends.
“Your hubby loves you, Daylene.
Not just this one—me—but Brett too.
I know sometimes he’s not the best at words,
but sometimes you’re not the best at time either.
There’s a reason opposites attract, and it’s not just so you can “complete each other.”
You’re only complete in me.
The real reason is so you’ll sharpen each other.
Iron sharpens iron.
Sometimes it hurts when the blades of our differences scrape against each other.
But bring it to me. I’m doing a work.
I don’t intend for you to totally mesh together so that you’ll never feel offended- (don’t you see even couples married for 50 years still have opportunities to get offended?)
Your commitment to one another and your love for one another, compelling you to always stay,
along with the enemy and your feelings occasionally tempting you to run (moreso, for you, as in hiding your heart. I know you don’t have any desire to actually leave.)
I know you love him.
You just sometimes need to vent in order to process, (you’re a woman),
and he sometimes just needs to pause to process (he’s a man).
And that’s why I’m the go between.
I can pause with him and I can process with you!”
W-O-W.
Jesus is the best therapist ever!
And he gives his counsel away freely!
So anyway… this story is becoming long but hang in there because it’s all important and you HAVE to hear what he did next!
So… by this time I have walked back home. Feeling much better, having had processing time with my Heavenly hubby, and feeling filled by and ok in him.
{But still of course, I will forever desire lots of long kisses from my husband, time to chat together, and his guitar music strumming the chords of my soul…. 💕 Those are the brand of things in life we could never get too much of! The good stuff. Even when Jesus is the best, good stuff is still good. And it comes from God. It’s a gift from God.}
So- my daughter meets me outside, (she’s a girl, she gets me), asking if I need to talk. We don’t go into details but I do share with her as I often do, that marriages are wonderful, but they’re not 24/7 fairytales and sometimes it just takes a moment with Jesus to get past the male/female difference. {I’m preparing her for reality. BOTH the wonders that I want her to savor and the dangers that she’ll need to know how to navigate around, with Holy Spirit guiding her.}
I don’t think much of that at the time. It’s normal.
Then I go inside, and my 2 year old greets me with “Mommy!!!! I need kisses!!” – at which I happily cover his precious face in pecks, and he returns the love with slobbery smooches all over mine. 😍
Again, I don’t think much of it at the time.
Totally normal.
Later that evening, after the dinner, after the cleaning, after my hubby went up to bed before me and didn’t give me a kiss goodnight (though I knew he loved me and that he would when I came up if I asked, so I wasn’t even thinking about it or mad)— I sat in the chair in our living room, and prayed.
I prayed for Jesus to fill me with his joy so I could go upstairs and give Brett’s love language of time instead of just doing my own thing and drowning my feelings in work, (which would also be punishing him as a side-effect by withholding that togetherness.)
I prayed for Brett again that he would feel better.
Intensely I prayed that. I hate seeing my loved ones suffer.
I prayed that God would fill his heart to overflowing too and that the kisses and talking and guitar playing would just return organically out of the overflow of his heart, not because I was coercing him.
And then I sat there, in the quiet
which was “interrupted” by a tune coming from downstairs.
One of our old special songs being strummed on the acoustic guitar!
My heart leapt!
The music stopped.
Footsteps plodded up the stairs.
I had a huge smile on my face, expecting to see my hubby hang the guitar back in its place. Being amazed at how quickly my prayer had been answered!
And…nope! It was my 14 year old son.
The tears that were absent this whole time POURED out of my eyes.
Y’all, B hasn’t hardly ever played guitar on his own accord. I had no idea he even remembered that song my hubby taught him!
But here he played- downstairs in his room.
Not even knowing it was for me-
But it was for me!
The Holy Spirit had prompted him!
He told me so Himself.
And then HS added-
That talk from your daughter?
Those kisses from your little?
That was me too!
I gave you all 3 things you prayed for –
AND, I did give them to you through your hubby
just not like you expected!
{Don’t you see—your children were all 3 a gift from both me and Brett? You wouldn’t have them without him.}
SOOOOO cool, y’all!!
I just bawled. And asked B to play more. He asked me why I was crying and I told him they were happy tears and explained it to him, again not TOO personally, but so that he’d understand the men/women difference for his future marriage too. And how wonderful and essential it is to have God at the center. ❤️
And then I went to bed- and snuggled my hubby. Having fully forgiven, and asking for his forgiveness for my part, and 💯 filled by Jesus.
Not even telling Brett what had happened.
It was too good for words at the time.
But the next day?
He felt good enough and asked if he could take me on a date. I got kisses and my door opened. I got to share my heart on some other things God had talked to me about.
And the day after that?
Sitting out by the campfire in the evening, my son again grabs the guitar and plays for me because he now knows how much I treasure that.
Heart totally full, and what happens?
My hubby-all on his own- takes the guitar for a moment and plays a worship tune!
And a smile rose from within me, inextinguishable!
I couldn’t keep that grin in!
And he asked me why I was so happy.
Why was I smiling at him like that?
So I got to share. ❤️❤️❤️
Jesus filled me, and he threw in a tune too!
He’s the God that doesn’t stop at 💯, he OVERFLOWS until our joy spills over, and can’t NOT be shared!
So this post – it’s that- overflow,
because I want everyone to experience this too! He will do the same for you, if you let him! He’s the God that guides and fills and cares!
When you see it once, you begin to look for and find Him everywhere!
You look up each time, and say “Thank you, God, I know that was you!”
There, beyond it all,
It’s ALWAYS been you.
All good gifts come from you!
〰️〰️〰️
“Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows,”
1 Chronicles 16:11-12
From Full 